Business Time

The topic of the morning was business and the female super hero power of multitasking! We all know I like to stay busy. That might be an understatement; I love to over schedule and stay involved.  I like doing stuff (occupy my time and Wall Street). My creative side was feeling neglected recently and I decided to chase a few dreams. I started this blog, began working on my first web series (http://theshowplay.com/coming-soon/), and started event planning. I have also decided to DIY remodel my living and dining space. Call me Bob Vila because I’m about to get crafty with my Black & Decker drill and hammer!

Since I have been getting my black Martha Stewart on, I find that my creative juices are flowing! I’m excited about the business of getting down to business! I really do thrive on executing things, I love a finished product. The way it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside; the joys of knowing my to do list is done! I am taking on a few new projects which allowed me to reflect on what I already do!

My morning discussion led to a talk about the inability of men (not all but some) to multitask or handle details. I feel like if they knew what really happens in a 24 hour period their minds would explode.  All the things men do in a day, I feel pale in comparison to the daily job of a woman.  Women (not all but some) often juggle a lot,  mainly household and professional hats. We may not always do it effortlessly but I think many men under appreciate the effort and intricate nature that goes into every task. 

Here is what a typical day looks like for me so you have a better understanding of the chaos:

·         Wake up- shower, dress, and personal hygiene. For some women this includes hair and make-up; we all know I only do hair and make-up when I have somewhere fancy to go! Dressing oneself is a big deal (don’t believe me, then take 20 minutes and visit a Walmart).

·         Breakfast - often a fleeting thought for me and is accomplished while driving (in transit eating is my lifestyle) or walking or parking. Thank you Go Go Squeeze and Luna Bars for those nifty prepackaged portions that serve as my breakfast.

·         Work Hours (8am – 4:30pm) – I have a full time job that requires writing, reading but no arithmetic. I have to field tons of email, sit in meetings, generate products, edit/review documents, and manage my day to day work requirements and the expectations that come along with it.

·         Lunch Time – is reserved for blogging, bill paying, and making appointments. It is also for errand running if necessary, friend check in, and online shopping. All that occurs unless I have a working lunch at which time those tasks are moved to dinner time.

·         After Work – immediately after is work out time (if I have the time to spare), or hair appointments, shopping returns, pharmacy pick-up, visiting the post office and other tasks that must be accomplished before the end of business hours.

·         Dinner – if I have time to make it, this means cooking, cleaning and house chores. It’s reading the mail, doing laundry, stacking clean clothes in a basket, listening to CNN headlines, and finding missing shoes (I misplace more than I care to admit). It is also the time that most people want to meet and greet. So this can be reserved for business dinners, work related events, or friend time catch up via phone.

·         Late evening (post 9pm) – I’m just walking in the door at this time on most days but it is reserved for catching up on pinterest, sending emails for my other work, talking to my long distance (non-Verizon network friends), checking my crops on Oregon Trail and making my move in Words With Friends.  It is also when I prepare for the next day of work or for other projects and google search my life away.

·         Sleep Time – often later than I want; this is when I wrap my hair and get on my ipad and try to figure out my schedule for the next day, what I am going to wear, what I need to add to my to do list and watch Netflix. Vampire Dairies Season 3 is my current guilty pleasure!!!!

All of that occurs daily. My mind moves about 60 miles a minute and I’m always preparing and mentally plotting what’s next.  I work my regular job while pulling together creative content for my part-time passions (film/video making) and party planning.  So that means my day is also riddled with forms, image verification, staff emails, product identification, supplies acquisition, document making, and so much more. It means dealing with clients and being attached at the hip to my crappy blackberry. It means dual monitors at work so I can toggle tasks and using hands free head-sets, so I can pretend to listen while I’m working on 52 other things.  Throw in supporting those in my life via advice, craft making, or gift buying. Then add a side of travel, avoiding pregnancy, fitness challenges, medical maintenance (not aesthetic), game nights, football season,  DVR catch up, hiding from awkwardly nosey neighbors, house hunting, facebook stalking, tweeting, and staying up-to-date on current events. With all that, I still plan dates, remember special occasions, engage in business time (bom chicka wa wa) and Facetime with a special someone!

I think most men would have a heart attack if they had to do all that in a month, let alone in a week or day and still manage relationships.  A sarcastic comment about chewing gum and walking at the same time immediately comes to mind. I believe in you men; this is not trying to diminish the wonderful things you do. It’s just to point out that multitasking and managing the details of a day aren’t a strength which is why we complement each other. We know the male approach is work “smarter not harder”. I feel like a woman’s approach is “work smarter since you already work harder”!   I mean, I personally do it all because I can; why not? You find a way to make it work. If it doesn’t work then you readjust and try again. 

I should be exhausted (sometimes I am) but I love it! I love the action and adventure part of my daily routine. I love making my thoughts reality and seeing my projects finalized (particularly in picture form so I can share with others). Just think what this will expand to once I throw kids in the mix.  I may require a straightjacket or a personal assistant. Either way we all know it will be chic properly adorned straightjacket or the best damn assistant multiple interviews and high standards can buy!

Slightly Related and Very Funny-  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU

Pregnancy Phobic

Babies have been the radio topic two days in a row, so that was on my brain this morning. Babies are cute and adorable, until they aren’t.  I love kids and one day hope to have a few Rugats of my own (preferably not animated). But babies aren’t brought to you by teleport or stork they come straight from your stomach or uterus which ever you want to believe. The topic for discussion today is more focused on pregnancy. The nine letter word of doom as I refer to it!  Before I get too far into this, I am not pregnant (nor have I ever been); my birth control hasn’t failed me yet and for that I thank science.

I know pregnancy is an act that brings you the gift of life. Sure but it also brings you the gift of weight gain and crazy hormones. I’m looking forward to it like I look forward to pap smears or basketball season.  It’s a means to an end; a necessary activity that gets me to another goal; an uncomfortable fact of life. I know some women love being pregnant but I imagine that’s because movies and books over glamorize it.  My theory is it really isn’t all that fun. I have learned in my years working with pregnant women that it’s hot, heavy, uncomfortable, and more like an alien abduction than the baking of a cupcake (bun in the oven my ass).

The radio was doing a segment about young mothers, but these days a young mother is the rule not the exception.  Teenagers having babies (thanks Teen Mom 2 and 16 & Pregnant), sure it sucks because you miss prom and can’t go to college, but you can be a reality star so there is a tradeoff. Let’s be real, it probably sucks for other reasons, especially for those of us that are actually old enough to drive a car.  Aside from the multiple pregnancy-related complications that can occur, there are some serious things to consider when pregnant that people don’t talk about!  I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t share some of the concerns I have for the day when I’m classified as a breeder.  Here are the side effects of pregnancy that worry me:

Excessive Doctors’ Visits- sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room for hours is not an effective use of my time (pregnant or not). Then add needles and hands up my who-ha and that just makes me unhappy. My guess is I also have to pay co-pays for all these extra visits. I see what is happening here…

Gas /bloating with a side of Constipation – isn’t it enough to carry a baby but now I might have excessive gas and problems dropping a deuce!!!! How cruel and unfair is this process! Having a shitty day will have a very different meaning.

Hemorrhoids- it’s bad enough if you have to buy a pregnancy test but to make a lady buy hemorrhoid cream too is just unjust! Plus if you have to sit all day because of the extra weight or working an office job that is just uncomfortable.

Hormonal Uproar – some may say that I’m already an aggressive black woman. But I work hard to avoid Diary of a Mad Black Woman status! I don’t need hormonal imbalances ruining all my hard work. I’m always one thought away from being mean and several plots away from being a maniacal murdering genius. With hormones out of whack who knows what I might be capable of (friends don’t ask questions if you see me with a shove). I know a man that is concerned about that and I’m sure it worries many men in pregnancy situations.  Pregnancy crazy is right up there with serial killer crazy so proceed with caution.

Morning Sickness- first of all this does not just occur in the morning as the title implies. So aside from the false advertising, nausea and vomiting consistently are super annoying. There is never a good reason to throw-up unless you have been poisoned.

New wardrobe – some might think shopping is fun. Pregnant shopping I can assure you is not fun! I have worked maternity retail and I never met a happy pregnant woman buying clothes. New sizes, new terminology, new techniques (clips, extenders, belly bands). It’s a whole new world out there and it all makes you feel like a beached whale!

No alcohol – the hardest pill to swallow is the no alcohol.  This is some sort of conspiracy because you know as soon as you get pregnant everybody and their mama is going to have a party and forcible remind you what you are missing out on.  I have done it to people – poured salt in the “you can’t drink” wound! I know karma will catch up with me so I’m just going to drink as much as I can now. It’s like giving up alcohol for Lent; we all regret it but this last for 9 months so it sucks more! Why can’t they just set up an alcohol IV drip post baby?!  Sneak wine into the hospital so I know it’s real…

No sushi or deli meat - dietary restrictions are going to be hard for me! I know there are bacterial risks with certain foods. But really no sushi? That’s cruel and unusual. Sushi is one of my food groups; my other food group is deli sandwiches. I will starve to death without those items. So I have to starve so my baby can live? Logic I see none.

Pregnancy Brain - This is no myth, in the first and third trimester, women can actually suffer from short-term memory loss and forgetfulness. I already have a bad memory so my worry is this will be exponential worse for me. Pregnancy Alzheimer’s means you will have to point me in the right direction and hope for the best.   

Sleeplessness - um sleep is right up there with sex and eating as the most important activity in life. Don’t take that away from me (ever).  Having an infant is already sleep depriving but what you’re telling me is that I have to suffer before the baby even gets here! This seems wrong and I want to protest!

Soreness - they say your boobs get bigger which I’m all for but they can also get sore and that is a negative. What’s the point of these awesome big boobs if they hurt?! Boo to Boobs!

Swollen extremities (edema) - hands, feet, and face swelling is funny looking and awkward.  I want to be able to wear my shoes and a regular pair of gloves in the winter. Swelling should be reserved for broken bones and plastic surgery.  It should not be a side effect of pregnancy. My belly swells that is enough and I have it on good authority that it doesn’t shrink once the baby comes out (you actually have to exercise to get rid of the stomach)! CURSES!!!!!

Family Stress – this side effect occurs from external sources, mainly grandparents and other close relatives. You can no longer avoid family functions or prevent people from knowing your address because there is now a baby involved. People who love the creature syphoning off your nutrients start providing advice, throwing parties, and rubbing your belly.  Let’s look but don’t touch people and in lieu of sending 1000 crazy outfits just send gift cards and money (stuff people can use).

I haven’t even scratched the surface. We could talk about peer jealousy or group thought, activity involvement, and the side effects on the wallet but I think you all get my point. Pregnancy is serious business and shouldn’t be entered into lightly.  I’m not sure how 16 year olds do it because the 29 year old me is terrified! To all my pregnant friends I salute your strength, resolve, and psychosis. I have a diaper cake with your name on it! Remember if celebrities can do it, so can you (minus the nannies and money of course)! Go you, push that alien out. Claim back your body when it turns 2 and then consider doing it again. I will live vicariously through you!

Senseless (What If Friday)

“It's Friday, and I'm ready to sing pick up my girls, and hit the party scene…Tonight oh oh it's alright umm. So get up and let this funky mellow grove get you in the mood cause you know it's alright...”

I’m jamming right now as I write this blog. It is indeed Friday and its time for another installment of If (Questions for the Game of Life). You know the drill!

Question:  If you had to lose one of your fives sense, which would you give up?

To answer that question quickly I would give up my ability to hear. To answer in more depth, I would give up my hearing because:

1)    Sight is necessary for safety purposes. I have a hard enough time getting around safely with my eyesight. But seeing a smiling face, my computer screen, and the sun rising and setting are all things I don’t want to give up.  Furthermore, I like driving and knowing where my exits are! I also think braille is incredible difficult to learn at this point in the game.

 

2)    Touch is a necessity. Sure I would love to avoid feeling pain but without feeling pain you can’t feel pleasure. You already know where this is going people…Sex. Who wants to go through life never feeling that?  Not I said the cat (pun intended). Sure there are practical reasons for touch, feeling injuries, hot or cold so you can regulate your body temperature but it really all comes back to sex for me, so I’m going to just move on.

 

3)    Taste is my favorite so I can’t give it up. I love food way too much to do that to myself! Right now I am enjoying some homemade banana pudding…I could never deny myself that.

 

4)    Smelling was on my list right under hearing but then I remembered that without smell there is no taste. So as much as I would want to avoid smelling shit (literally and figuratively) my desire to taste food will always win.  Besides some smells are good; warm cookies, perfume, grilled meat, despair of others (if you have caused it), and victory! All things I enjoy.

So that just leaves hearing. I figure I already know sign language or at least enough to tell people my name. I can still use the Internet to communicate via my blog. I won't get brain cancer from holding my cell phone up to my ear to talk. I can still have a kick ass job because I would be covered under the disabilities act.  I can still function pretty much as normal but without having to pretend to listen to people, like I occasionally do. I can always answer NO to "Can you hear me now". I can avoid pointless conversation and unpleasant noises like nails on a chalkboard, cats meowing, crying babies, nagging old ladies, car crashes, sirens, squeaky hinges, tissue paper rustling, balloons popping, and so much more!  I could also get a text-to-talk app and tell people what I really think using a robot voice.  That fact alone makes this the best and only option! 

I would ask you what you think but I wouldn’t be able to hear your answer so it’s pointless.

Enjoy your night folks! 

Breakfast Banter

Good morning neighbors and friends.  Does anybody else miss Mr. Rogers (say that three times fast)?  Anyway, I have very little on my mind this morning maybe because my brain is fried or maybe because it hasn’t turned all the way on just yet.   My schedule is clearly off because of my second shift, but I am grateful for a job and the extra time in the morning to make turkey and spinach omelets for breakfast!  Yummy!  I love breakfast food!

This must be what its like for housewives and stay at home folks when you have that small window of time in the morning by yourself to accomplish the simple things that bring you joy (or help you survive the day).  It’s really the silence that you appreciate.  

As I'm eating my breakfast concoction, I realize I absolutely hate my work blackberry. I want to throw it across a room and watch it shatter into a million little annoying pieces. I bet you won’t vibrate then will you??? This week more than usual, it is buzzing and ringing just about every 10 minutes from 8:00am – 8:00pm.  In the last hour I have accrued 152 unread emails.  I can’t wait until Friday when this all stops!!!!!

I have moved on to my refreshing glass of fresh squeezed orange juice and I realized I don’t drink enough. I mean I’m good on alcohol consumption but during the day I really don’t drink a lot of liquids. I normally drink when I eat but since cutting back on sodas (go me) and refusing to pay $1.50 or more for bottled water, I am drinking a lot less these days.  Having this extra time in the morning means I can clean my water cup and take it with me to work. It also means prepping workout clothes, folding laundry, writing my blog, making doctors appointments, and sitting on hold with operators.

What is it with phone operators? “Can I put you on hold for just a second?” – if I say no are you going to keep me on the phone? Hell, half the time you put me on hold before I can even answer your question.  And while I'm thinking about it, just connect me to a manager because you can never help me accomplish what I need to anyway! Live a little call center staff get off script. Have a personality. Laugh at my jokes, you know you want to!  Something besides yelling has to break-up the monotony of your day. Put down the cocaine and pick up some comedy! I would recommend speaking in a different accent with every caller. Be French, Russian, Canadian...polite any of those would do! It might even be fun.  Give it a try!

I guess now is a good time to get ready for work.  Today’s blog had no structure or real purpose but neither did my morning. So there, no we’re even!

Not Just Any Tuesday

Sorry folks I have been super busy the last few days so my blog has taken a back burner. But I’m going to do my Bulldawg best to be back in action this week.  Let me start today’s blog by sending out a congratulatory Hell Yeah to the Bulldawg nation.  UGA had a “Grown Man” victory over Missouri this Saturday. It may have been 3 quarters of discomfort but my team pulled through in the 4^th and came back to win it big! I also want to send a shout out to the Who Dat nation. Game one was a loss but we have a bright future ahead. Free Payton!!!

With football out of the way, I spent some quality time with Bo Jackson (the dog). House sitting for his mommy this weekend was relaxing but I learned that I do miss having a dog.  I don’t miss letting him out to use the bathroom at 5am but I miss the company.  I also realized that I will need a privacy fence when I buy a house and serious bug deterrents. I found out that I apparently have some super tasty blood and that mosquitoes are evil and should be destroyed. The privacy fence is directly related to the fact that I like the concept of having neighbors don’t actually want them to know what I do or talk to me. That is too much work and seriously intense at this time. I just need you to be like the air; invisible but helpful. I want to know you are there until you are not (without seeing you).

I celebrated the dirty 30 of a former roommate and friend at a BBQ this Saturday.  I realized that parties are no longer alcohol and dirty dancing. They are strictly kids, puppies, rainbows, and skittles. It is official, I am a grown up and in the minority. I'm outnumbered by breeders and married folks. "Family friendly" is a term that is now in my vocabulary, *womp womp*. As I continue to age out of my youth, I find myself thinking maybe it’s not so bad.  I mean after all they do have kick ass hand held snacks in this family friendly environment. And maybe going to bed at 10pm isn’t so bad after all, I do enjoy sleeping! Aside from contemplating my transition into my new age bracket, I also realized I need to buy some khakis so I fit into this new suburbia.  I wonder if gap is having a sale on pants and discontent. 

This week will be full of preparation for trailer premieres and new business ventures.  I have plenty to do including buy a new couch and starting my workouts again. If I can find somebody to clean my kitchen and do my laundry that would be great too!  I’m participating in this exercise at work which means my schedule is going to be all out of whack, but my spirits are high and my blog will get done! In the meantime, I am just trying to make it in America, or at least until Friday. I have tickets for the UGA vs Florida Atlantic Game this weekend so I am looking forward to the end of this crazy week!!!!

My final thoughts today will be in remembrance of 9/11.  At first I wasn’t going to mention it, but how can you not think about it.  America is pretty amazing despite all that other stuff (you know racism, corrupt politics, egotism, pollution, etc).   Such a tragedy changed our nation’s history, and because of news media and airport security restrictions we will never forget. I may joke and poke fun but I do understand and appreciate the luxuries that being an American affords me, and I’m grateful as a woman and African American that I was born on US soil.

It has been 11 years but the victims and heroes will always be remembered in our hearts and prayers!  So to those serving this country, or that have lost their lives as a result of just being an American your devotion, love and support is honored. I’m working hard to do you proud and your sacrifice will not be in vain. My figurative flag will fly at half-mast for you today!

To my friends celebrating birthdays today, this totally sucks because it is hard to celebrate on one of the most tragic days in our history.  But happy birthday to you and I encourage you to do shots and get drunk, it’s the American way! Celebrate your life and be sure to pour out a little for the homies we have lost.

Have an Honorable Tuesday folks and try to stay positive.

Vice President Who? (What If Friday)

Welcome to Friday people! As a result of the DNC that aired this week I have decided to pick a politically themed question from If (Questions for the Game of Life).

Question:        If you had to choose a single vice president in the history of the United States to become president who would you pick!

I was quite the history buff in my college days, mainly because I had several history classes and I was required to be knowledgeable about the subject for good grades.  Since I have replaced that information with song lyrics and laboratory facts, I’m at a slight disadvantage answering this question today. 

You clearly want a VP you are confident in and think would be an effective leader.  I'm not sure anyone prior to 1970 could effectively run the country as it stands today. I also have concerns that earlier VPs were super racists because those were the times and that is what they believed. So that eliminates most of the pool off the bat!  My choice is based slightly on political policies and affiliations, but mostly I took into account the things that stood out to me.  I tried to be mindful of VPs that went on to become presidents for whatever reason so I have eliminated them from the group also.  So that narrowed my choices down to a handful:

Spiro Agnew (1969 – 1973) – a Greek Democrat turned Republican this guy doesn’t receive my vote!  He was charged with extortion, tax fraud, bribery and conspiracy; which may be gangster in the streets but doesn’t bode well with citizens.  If my president is a law breaker, I want him to be smart enough to not get caught!  This guy had to resign because of criminal charges…No Bueno!  I know most politicians are of questionable morality but you can’t run the country while you are stealing from it!

Nelson Rockefeller (1974 – 1977) – Rockefellers are serious money making business! This one served across multiple administrations (Roosevelt, Truman, and Eisenhower) in various roles before becoming VP, so he has a wealth of knowledge about government workings. He was a lover of the arts and a New York Governor! He clearly wanted to be the president (multiple failed attempts) so there is a passion there that is endearing. The man donated his salary to federal education programs for inner city youth and programs teaching the arts! Plus any man that can live with his ex-wife and wife in the same building is  Gangsta!

Walter Mondale (1977 -1981) - Fritz served under Jimmy Carter and was a lawyer by trade. He made the VP more of an advisor position and has created a model that many were able to follow. He also nominated a woman as his running mate in 84’. As a senator he endorsed Hilary in 2008. Kudos Ambassador/Senator/Lawyer Mondale progression is always point worthy in my book!  You are truly a lover of women *wink*

Dan Quayle (1989 -1993) - a fickle and flighty pheasant! Quayle was unable to spell potato and he hated Murphy Brown…I’m not sure I need to say anything else.

Al Gore (1993 -2001) – He married a woman named Tipper (I’m just sayin)! This Harvard grad faced adversity when his 6 yr son was hit by a car and he did not run for president so he could be there for his family! He served under the national ace boon coon, Presidente Bill Clinton! If nothing else he is an environmentalist with some pretty cool friends!

Dick Cheney (2001 -2009) - taking 6 years to graduate college paid off for this chairman and CEO of Halliburton Company! A Secretary of Defense turned VP, Cheney temporarily served as acting President for 3 hours while Bush underwent a diagnostic procedure (colonoscopy); and again years later when Bush underwent another medical procedure. That removes him from this list. He would have otherwise been removed for the Iraq War, Scooter Libby, and shooting that guy in the face!

Joe Biden (2009 – present)- another lawyer by trade, Good Ole Joe is  catholic which I can respect! The story of his first wife and daughter dying in that car crash makes me tear up. He has certainly overcome adversity which gives him character! He comes from a long line of working folk and he was elected for VP and re-elected as Senator for Delaware (I like that he had a back-up plan just in case).  Practical Joe indeed!

With my choices before me, my selection and answer to this question is not Joe Biden, although he is a strong candidate. I have elected Al Gore and not because Clinton is cool! But because he invented the internet! And we all know how awesome the internet is so let’s go green together Al Gore!  Besides he won a Nobel Peace Prize,  makes documentaries, writes books, and wins Grammy’s what other VP is doing all that?  I chose you Al!!!!

I told you I would make a decision and it wasn’t based on political genius or foreign policy. Let’s be real, most Americans have no idea what it takes to hold political office or be the President of the United States. In true fashion, I made my decision based on the most random reasons known to man because I’m a political ne'er-do-well!  Happy Friday folks and if you have beef talk to a political analyst!  

House Dreams (not the Doctor)

When you have to make decisions that sacrifice what you want they call that being a responsible adult. I don’t know who “they” is but they can kick rocks! I really want to move if not for principle, for change of scenery.  The epic search for an apartment has temporarily come to an end today and not the way I wanted.  In an effort to save money, focus on my goal of buying a house, and prevent slitting my wrist in moving frustration I'm just going to stay in my current apartment. *heavy sigh*

It is not my ideal decision but it is the smart decision unless I want my rent to jump up by $400.  What I realized this morning after crazy dreams about tornadoes and bathtub boats is that I hate hate hate not getting what I want.  My heart is heavy today because I’m not doing what I wanted to be doing. I’m methodical and particular, once I commit to a decision or a plan I like to stick with it (call me reliable). I committed to moving, I went all in and now I feel like I’m losing the hand to some two-bit recreational poker player!!!  So here I am with yet another year to get my act together! My plans on delay AGAIN! I’m starting to feel like the kid on the JV basketball team that just needed to practice a little more to make varsity, but never did because he thought the system was rigged against him. Well it smells like teen spirit around here is all I’m saying.

All my friends moving to Smryna and Suwanee good for you, but hell-to-the-commuter-naw! I just want to be near civilization and if that means getting a second job, staying in this crappy apartment another year, penny pinching, and selling everything but my body and soul then so be it!  I have dreams damnit; they involve privacy fences, pitbull puppies, a driveway with a basketball goal, neighborhood association fees, and interior decorating until my heart is content.  I can’t have BBQs without a grill and backyard. I can’t host game night without a place for people to sit. I can’t have dinner parties without a dining room. I can’t put up a real Christmas tree without a real living room (deck the halls and all that jazz). So while my married friends are off having babies and pleasing husbands, I'm coveting the dream of property!  It’s my dream of the month (like flavor of the week but longer).

I know a newer home, under $250,000 with 4 bedrooms, an amazing kitchen, in a decent school district, in a friendly neighborhood, with a yard and available in the Dunwoody/Doraville area is too much to ask! I know my house is going to be like 500K for me to get what I want, where I want! I just hate waiting. Even more than waiting, I hate not getting what I want, so I guess I have to wait to alleviate my biggest pet peeve. Some of you might think that is selfish or materialistic but I work hard so I can have what I want in life.  I’m not driving luxury cars or wearing expensive jewelry. I don’t live excessively; I'm out here trying to make it in America! That means I can come home to the house I want and am willing to pay for!

My dream is likely to change once I get knocked up or distracted by something shiny, but for now I want a home and not just a home with no furniture. We have all been to that house warming; you know what I’m talking about. Rest assured those coming to my house warming in 2013 will have a well decorated experience.  I do have a plan people, I want to do it the right way and spend all my money at once! It does me no good to buy a house and then not have anything in it!  I want the complete package and my taste in furniture and décor requires me to wait the good wait. Suffering through it is worth it, so I’m told!  I have this blog to document how I really feel about it over the course of the next year! I’m not a believer of this patience that everyone speaks of! I think it is bologna! Good things come to those who wait, but so does old age and bitterness. How about good things come to those who are good and work hard! Let’s rewrite the saying. I am good and do good, so bring me a house baby infant Jesus in your little baby UGA onesie and red and black crib!  Amen! 

The Old and the Restless

The last few weeks I have been fending off the unwanted attention of a janitor at my office. Jesus be a fence, seriously I need a privacy fence and secure perimeter established! Sir you are older than my dad with a wife, just stop!  I will never be in the "date men 20-30 years older than me" category and have been forced to remind folks of that more so this year. I started thinking about the awkwardness of older people behaving badly (I'm talking to you Fred Willard).  2012 is apparently the year of the old man! They are getting it in all across America! I would add it is also the year of the cougar, as I have heard some hilarious stories from a certain banker I know that is the equivalent of old lady kryptonite (or bengay may be more appropriate).

I find myself wondering…Does being in the 65+ age bracket give you license to misbehave? Do we earn the right to act out with age?  In a simple answer, I certainly hope so otherwise getting old will be a tragedy of epic proportions. I normally get enjoyment from watching older people interact in social settings; they say, do, dress, and act however they want.  In childhood this is expected but why is it ok in old age, shouldn’t you know better by then? My theory is that once you hit 65+ certain issues become irrelevant; including your concern for societal standards. You just don’t give a shit about certain things including manners and presentation. I think being old brings confidence and comfort with one’s self that allows you to overlook societal rules, standards and pressures; essentially you have no fear!

I’m here to shed light on the benefits of getting old. Here are some things you are approved to do once you hit 65+ (Benefits of being old):

·         Being a cougar or TomCat (what do you call an older male besides a creeper?)

·         Being released first in hostage situations

·         Dollar Store shopping sprees

·         Enrolling in colleges/universities without exams/ or qualifying test (plus discounted rates)

·         Farting and burping in public

·         Having people tend to you and your chores

·         In any emergency you are classified as needing special consideration and priority care

·         Jail perks (reduced sentences b/c you are close to dying and nobody messes with the old person in the yard)

·         Kick ass canes (trip people all day, everyday)

·         Making it rain with retirement checks and Social Security payouts

·         Medicare (on top of your already rocking benefits if you have them)

·         Not needing teeth

·         Questioning strangers (i.e. grocery store purchases and whereabouts)

·         Retirement (if you’re lucky)

·         Smoking weed in a pipe or cigar outside on your front porch (hell you might actually have glaucoma)

·         Unlimited access to mothballs

·         Unprotected sex (STD rates among the elderly are insane please wrap it up older peeps)

·         Using senior citizen discounts

·         Using the bathroom on yourself (adult diapers mean you never have to stop what you’re doing to find a restroom)

·         Using the phrases like whipper-snappers; jezebels; for Pete’s sake;  shake a leg (or tail feather) and many more

·         Wearing pantyhose with all outfits (women and certain men only)

·         Wearing short-sleeve dress shirts with a tie

·         Wheel Chair escort through airports

·         You can wear Pajamas as regular clothes

Our society for the most part fears aging. But it is more than the deterioration of your body that pharmaceutical companies are making a fortune convincing you it is! Embrace the splendor that comes with aging, besides you can’t stop the inevitable. We underestimate the elderly and often as younger generations dread being classified in that category. I say don’t and the next time an old person does something elderly, teach them to fist bump and give them the props they deserve! Then ask what it’s like because knowledge is power future old folks!

If anybody has some free time I recommend watching Off Their Rockers! This is the elderly version of punked hosted by Betty White and its Hilarious!!!!

Clip: http://www.nbc.com/betty-whites-off-their-rockers/video/hit-me-up/1395289

Lazy Labor Day

So I took a few days off, mainly because I was sick and it was a holiday weekend. Happy belated Labor Day and I’m sure you have all returned to work or your respective work day activities. As I have been sifting through a ton of email and trying to remove my feet from the piles of shit I managed to walk into while not even at work, this blog did eventually come together.

We clearly need to play catch up to say the least!  Let me start by saying I was sick this weekend, sniffling, sneezing, runny nose, coughing until my chest hurt sick. It was not fun and I just want to thank the makers of Vicks Vapor Rub and DayQuil! 

In my state of sickness I had to argue with my leasing office (this is why I am moving) about a $660 fee they tried to charge me for giving them less than 60 days’ notice of my intent to terminate my lease. Hold-on-Player (HOP) I notified you in June!  Then in my sickly state I decided to go apartment hunting which was a bust and I am still trending to be homeless on October 5.  *sad face, panic face*

This being Labor Day weekend, one would think I would BBQ but that did not happen.  I honored Labor by doing nothing! The closest I came was a wonderful grilled salmon on Friday (at Ted’s Montana Grill) with two of my besties both, who are doctors, coincidently! I love that I have friends who are doctors mainly because I can send all the crazy clinical questions I receive to them. I also enjoy the social gatherings where we discuss the general ignorance of the general public of the United States of the Bible Belt!  Good times ladies and thank you for hanging out!

On Saturday I watched some good’ole Georgia Football! I watched some of our new players make their mark (we see you Gurely) and watched my team pull out an amazing victory!  I did that from the distance comforts or Suwanee (the land that GPS lost) but I had a great time, surrounded by some great people! Congrats on the house folks!  GOOOO DAWGs!!!

I then proceeded to rush and I mean rush to an amazing display of love and unity so I could see the joining of hands and hearts in holy matrimony. Thanks J&B for allowing me to share in your special day! I want to thank the Parkers for helping me stalk food tables and get my drink on! I want to thank the Best Man and his wife for helping me laugh and explain the wobble (New Yorkers have no idea). Thank you everyone that laughed, danced, and had fun!!!! I couldn’t stop raving about it, that may have been the liquor but you get the point. Good times!

I capped off my weekend with more apartment hunting, margaritas, and laundry.  At some point, I had to take a minute to clean my apartment, play my turn in words with friends, and check my crops on Oregon Trail.  Priorities people…

Side bar: have you ever run over your own foot with your office chair. That just happen people and now my foot hurts. Yes I know I am clumsy that is not the point of this side bar; the point is to talk about the pain and right now I’m at a 6.78 on the pain scale (1 being no pain and 10 being the most with expletives). Damned rolling chairs are dangerous!!

I wanted to finish this blog up with my reality show lesson reel! Here is what I learned this week from TV:

·         MLK fought so rich privileged black children of rappers could go camping – thank you for that lesson TI

·         Lil Scrappy has been formally crowned the prince of the South

·         The pole does a body good, not milk like we have been told

·         Wedding proposals should always start with “so you gone marry a Ni**a or what”

·         Ramona and Sonja from RHONY are white trash

·         Luanne also of RHONY is apparently unclear about the role of translators and/or closed captions. (They can figure out what you are saying in any language boo)

·         Shay pays bills for her boyfriends and cosigns (scoop up that hood rat fellas she is a giver of good credit)

·         Even reality TV stars need a stylist…Shay your head tho!!!!

·         Michael Strahan has given up football for Kelly Ripa *insert eye roll*

And that is all you need to know from this week in reality TV.  I want to send a special note of praise to Michael Clarke Duncan, the actor passed away this weekend which is sad; 54 is too young to die. On a less serious note does anybody else think it was weird that he was engaged to Omarosa??!!! HUH, when did that happen!? And what does that mean if your fiancée dies, do you get his Talladega Nights Money if it isn’t legal yet??? Do you think she will join the cast of another reality TV show? I just want to know, which may be insensitive but I’m ok with that.

I will get back to blog randomness this week…stay tuned! At some point I should do a history lesson (i.e. search Wikipedia) and find out the origins of Labor Day.  We shall see!