Happy Fun Friday! I’m up bright and early (6:15am) and decided to start my day with another installment of If (Questions for the Game of Life). I hope everyone is doing well and avoiding school buses while in transit to wherever you are going! Today’s If question is a weird one but that won’t deter me from answering!
Question: If you had to assassinate one famous person who is alive right now, who would it be and how would you do it!
In the interest of my safety and security, I want to start by saying this is a hypothetical situation and I would never assassinate anyone!
With that in mind I approached this from several angles. I realized I couldn’t finalize a method until I decided on a target. First, I thought who do I dislike enough to take out of the game. Kim Kardashian was on the top of that list, as was Bill O’Reilly, and the entire cast of Jersey Shore or Jerseylicious. Then I realized that most of these folks are reality stars and they will only annoy me until the next crop of folks comes to take their place. I also realized that if they are dead then I won’t have programs to make fun of which made me sad; its a love hate relationship people.
Then I thought who needs to be silenced because their celebrity status is becoming ridiculously inappropriate (deity level). Immediately I thought Lady Gaga but without her I would lack dance club tunes to motivate me while cleaning my house. What about Justin Bieber?! But alas if he goes hormonal teenage girls (and boys) across the world will rise up much like the Lycans and try to overthrow governments. Anarchy will ensue and the world will be cast back into the dark ages! I don’t want to live in the dark ages, catching my own food and not having electricity both make me nervous.
My next approach was to think of famous people leaving a negative impact on this world; Charlie Sheen, the Cast of any VH1 TV program (past and present); clearly that list was way too long and difficult to narrow down to one. So I thought who would probably want to move on to the afterlife at this time, you know a mercy killing. That would include anybody on Dancing with the Stars, panel judges for any and all singing competitions (except the Voice), Celebrity Fit Club contestants, and the list goes on and on!
Finally I decided to go with my first instinct! Who was the first name to come to mind and why! In a nutshell the answer to this question is Tom Cruise. Why Maverick you ask? Well think about it Tommy Boy is a danger to himself and society. He is using smoke and mirrors trickery to make you think he is taller than 5’7. Any man that puts stilts in his shoes deserves to be eliminated. Secondly, he attacks Matt Lauer and put his dirty shoes on Oprah’s couch…no sir! Thirdly, he is a Scientology Warlord promoting propaganda using technology, movie star fame, and irrational fast talk to usher in a new era of religious zealots! I mean any religion that teaches you that people are immortal beings who have forgotten their true nature, auditing is a way to resolve problems, limits teachings based on levels of initiation ($$$$), only provides materials and services to those that are paid in full, preaches that souls reincarnate after living on other planets, declares the practice of psychiatry as destructive and abusive but whose founder is a hypnotist (which is a technique of psychology) sounds pretty hazy and ingenious to me! Why didn’t I think of this?! But the reality is that mass cults are dangerous people. I’m going to stop talking about Scientology before these folks try to take me out the game; they have a history of silencing nay-sayers! Do you Scientologist, you can keep Tommy and John Travolta we don’t want them anymore!
Now that I have the who, Tom Cruise under lord of the Neververse, I need a how. Based on his superior action hero skills, technology and alien focused belief system, and affinity for tall submissive women I would use a female alien super being to assassinate Tom Cruise. She would infiltrate his inner circle; gain his trust and access to his boudoir. In the throes of old man passion she would transform into a super robot (she is capable of that because she is a mechanically based bioengineered life form from another planet) and the kill him by vaporizing his body into micro particles. She will then assume his likeness (like Invasion of the Body Snatchers) and go on national TV and very public right his wrongs including apologizing for Mission Impossible 4 – Ghost Protocol.
Well there you have it people! Tom Cruise, in the bedroom, a victim of Miss Scarlett the alien robot! Does anybody else remember the game Clue????
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