Yesterday I spent some time with my friend Dr. K, did some shopping, and then watched part of the closing ceremony of the Olympics. During the course of the day we argued about various statements including “he is an athlete that means he is attractive”. Of course this was not my statement as I avoid dating athletes in the same way I avoid the plague by using repellants, limiting direct physical contact, wearing personal protective equipment (PPE), and frequently hand washing. I mainly avoid athletes because they can be prone to infidelity and insecurity. Yes I know that is generalizing but that’s real life people, it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate them or their hard work! My response to her statement was hold up, not true; he may have a great body but from the neck up I could do without him. She argues athletes are attractive because of work ethic, dedication, physical fitness, and competitive spirit. Her being an athlete makes her bias. Her being attractive also makes her bias. Either way being an athlete doesn’t mean you are attractive! However, it does mean you are rich and women looking to come-up in the world without working are likely to throw themselves at you making you feel more attractive.
Dr. K and I then had an ongoing discussion about the influence of dating history on attractiveness of athletes (or people in general). Case in point, the news that Ryan Locthe dated a certain woman from Love and Hip Hop, made him more attractive to us because that means he likes a little mocha with his cream (if you know what I mean). After overcoming the general disappointment that he chose a black woman with such “ghetto chaos” surrounding her, he eventually earned extra attractive points because that means we stood a chance. So yes probability of reciprocated interest does impact attractiveness in select celebrity athletes.
Our conversation then transitioned from attractiveness to likability, then to behavior and the plain crazy of athlete and reality star combinations. Our discussion reached a peak when we read the headlines about Chad Johnson, his wife and their domestic violence dispute.
Now I’m not one to make light of domestic violence so I will focus more on the sheer stupidity of this relationship and the reported events. Let’s discuss shall we?
1. Who marries somebody they met on twitter? – Really Ochocinco (can I call you that) did you think this internet meeting would really end with a successful holy matrimony? We all knew this was a crazy combination from the start. You being a sober jackass, she being an attention seeking basketball ex-wife equals impaired judgment either way you slice it!
2. You are never too rich to ask your mistress to buy her own condoms – seriously you don’t buy those! Let the side chick use some of that hush money you pay her to purchase those. No need to get your hands all the way dirty just be sure to check for pin pricks these girls are out here tryin to trap a playa!
3. Discard all evidence – why leave receipts in your trunk. Even if your wife won’t find it the cleaning lady, car washer, whoever will find it and potentially use it to write a tell-all book about your famous ass! Do better, use your thinking cap and not your penis when making decisions.
4. Don’t get married if you aren’t ready – if you are not trying to settle down then don’t put a ring on her finger. Don’t let Beyoncé influence you! You didn’t have to marry her; we all know she was giving it up just fine without a ring. Too soon! Don’t do it! Reconsider…Keep your heart 3 stacks, keep your heart! But seriously why marry somebody just to cheat on them, save yourself the jail time, pain, misery, and money…just date! Then try out dating exclusively. Then consider sharing property and signing pre-nups.
5. Head-butting is reserved for MFA fights – when handling issues with your spouse it is not ok to practice your MFA moves or to channel Street Fighter characters. Save the head-butting for the field Chad! PS: what circumstances allow for your response to be a head-butt? Did she pin your arms down? Did you have both hands in your pocket in an effort to not punch her? Were you holding trident gum in both hands? Were you handcuffed? Carrying groceries maybe? I just don’t know how that is your first reaction. I could see shaking the shit out of her. I could see holding her down to prevent her from hitting you (if that was the case). Either way unless she had you restrained and was brandishing a weapon how do you just head-butt somebody? Remember just because you have a big head doesn’t mean you should use it for evil!
6. You are a celebrity – despite asking to be one you chose a career path that requires you to be in the public eye. That means you have to use better judgment and make better decisions when it comes to relationships and interactions. If you make mistakes there are bigger consequences (i.e. losing your job). You know the NFL is holier-than-thou and in true superior fashion regulates your behavior off the field by punishing you on the field. Get yourself together Chad! Maybe you can buy an orange grove in Miami and set-up one of those road side stands. Professional x-box player? Open a MFA gym; you already have the moves down. Either way I see a season of Dancing with the Stars and some VHI programing in your future because now you are a violent liability.
7. Sportsmanship- Chad as an athlete you should exercise sportsmanlike conduct at all times. Don’t be a sore loser (when caught). Don’t cheat! Don’t taunt the other players. Play fair – even playing field using the designated rules, means no head-butting. Maintain self-control if dealing with other players (and your spouse). Respect authority and your opponents. Be a good sport Chad that is one of the expectations of a good athlete.
I do find it unfortunate that during the culmination of the world’s greatest sports event, news coverage turns to the unsportsmanlike conduct of Chad Johnson. I also find it incredibly bizarre that football is not an Olympic sport. I mean trampoline and table tennis made the cut! Also where is dodgeball? That should be a sport too! I would watch that over Basketball Wives any day!
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