I was listening to a radio ad about the lottery. My first thought was my dad; he has played the lottery for decades and may have single handedly paid tuition for some lucky Georgia teen off to college. I think he understands it is a statistical game and the odds are stacked against him, yet he continues to play. Statistical improbability is enough for me to not waste my hard earned money on the lottery but I guess the potential reward helps others forget the costs. After shaking my head I thought what if I hit it big one day, won that Ben Franklin Million Dollar scratch off? What would I do? You all know what comes next; here is where my million dollars would officially go (if I ever win the lottery that I don’t play)!
- Hiding – I’m going manhunt manifesto missing (is it too soon?). Either way, I’m going to be in some back woods building a compound so you, telemarketers, and my lovely family can’t find me. I’ll meet you there; no not this weekend we are renovating…forever.
- Invest- the first thing I am going to do is put away a fraction of the money for savings and investments and trust funds for future kids. My accountant made me write that.
- Ball till I fall – I’m going to ball out the adult way, no Bugatti or jet plane - I am throwing stacks at my student loan, paying off my future house, and making it rain on my creditors!
- Real Estate – I am buying houses and I’m giving them away like Oprah. House for you mom and dad, my favorite house for you grandma, look under your seat brothers and sisters (starter apartments are hidden there). I know, three words - fa - bu – lous!!!!
- Part Time Status – I’m not quitting my job; do you know how much healthcare cost without benefits? I am however moving to the ultimate flex schedule and requesting to work from home most days of the week. I want to work just not every day. Unless I get a cool new job as a VH1 or Bravo reunion special host.
- Gifting – I’m going to buy presents for people I love not million dollar presents but little things to let them know I care and that I’m rich! I’m taking Christmas up a notch, out gift me now bitches!!
- Buying back my soul- years of corporate and federal employment have eroded my soul and forced me over to the dark side. The lottery will help me get it back. I’m donating to charity (maybe I will set up a foundation, send some strippers to college). I’m giving to my church, non-profits, and other do-gooder related things. I am trying to have an impact on the world so when I get to the pearly gates I plan to have a performance assessment a mile long.
- Making a documentary – it seems like all the rich people are doing it so why not. I’m going to do my best Beyoncé impression and break out my handheld camera and share nothing of my life with you. Sell it to HBO and make even more money as an independent film maker.
- Frivolousness – I frequent write about what I want to do or what I want revisit some of my other blogs to know where my leftover money would go. This includes concerts Concert Conundrum; avoiding being Taken (What If Friday); getting my House Dreams (not the Doctor); and investing in The Business of Brothels. It’s my money I can waste if I want to!
That should get me through about 6 months before I’m broke and signing up to do episodes of Dancing with the Stars and Celebrity Rehab. It will be a fulfilling and ultimately tragic experience. I can’t wait to win!!!
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