I am writing this because I am now in the fight of my life and know I am not the only one.
I am a thirty year old native of Atlanta, GA. After graduating high school I attended Morehouse College and completed my undergraduate studies in political science at a state university in Georgia. As a young college student I founded a nonprofit and for eight years of my life dedicated myself to providing outreach programs as an alternative to gang violence among urban youth. I went on to become a speechwriter for the likes of retired State Supreme Court justices and nationally recognized authors. From there, I began a career in public service in the Mayor’s Office of a suburb in Atlanta.
At twenty eight I became a father to my beautiful daughter, Autumn. That little girl is my pride and joy\and for the first 14-16 months of her life I had primary custody. It was an unconventional relationship between her mother and me, born from the varying demands of our respective work schedules. While never wedded, Autumn’s mother and I remained on good terms and agreed that we would not employ the intervention of the courts to determine how we would raise our daughter. In February 2012, we agreed on a 50/50 physical custody arrangement -- seven days on/seven days off, both of us providing separate daycare, clothing, food and shelter. This arrangement was ideal given the fact that Autumn is not of school age and that her mother and I live in close proximity. Those close to the situation marveled at the arrangement, as we dispelled the notion that non mandated co-parenting could not work. We were an anomaly, a baby, a mama and a single daddy without drama. But that all changed!
Six to eight weeks ago, Autumn’s mother and I began having typical disagreements of co-parents adjusting to an ever growing child; choosing physicians, scheduling doctor visits, the involvement of extended family, etc. Our disagreements never reached an uncontrollable points, sure there were heated exchanges between us, but nothing more. No matter the verbal exchange, we came to mutual decisions once cooler heads prevailed and apologies were offered. Autumn’s mother and I have been friends for ten years. Our relationship may not be ideal by most standards but it has always been built on the ability to forgive and eventually reach a resolution. I thought this recent period of strain between uswould end with an opportunity for just that.
Instead, I have lost my daughter! Autumn’s mother recently withdrew her from the school she attended in Atlanta, where we both had open access to visit and enrolled her in private school. A school that does not accommodate our preexisting 50/50 physical arrangement. As a consequence, Autumn’s mother has opted to keep my daughter full time, relegating me to the never-before-experience of being a “weekend” dad.
As I attempted to alleviate the matter with legal aid I learned that although my name is on the birth certificate, despite the fact that Autumn was in my primary care for the first 16 months of her life, and despite having a stable and efficient 50/50 physical custody arrangement for the past year, I have no legal rights to visitation, nor to maintain the custody arrangement in which all three of us of have thrived. There is no feeling more hollow than entering an empty home once filled with the sound of your child's laughter.
I had a shining example of what a father is and I have done my absolute best to emulate that example in my relationship with my own daughter. I have never compromised her wellbeing. I have never neglected her. And I have never done anything as a father that would warrant having my daughter removed from my life. I am fully aware that ignorance of the law is no excuse. I am also aware that my daughter’s mother is operating well within in her legal rights. I am asking you to consider the fact that perhaps the law- or some aspects of the law- works counteractively against the efforts of good fathers who are fully engaged in their children’s lives.
I recently learned that after signing the birth certificate there was some additional corresponding action necessary to complete the legitimization of my paternity. I cannot in good faith assert that no healthcare professional present during Autumn’s birth, including the signing of the birth certificate, made an attempt to provide this information to me. However, I am questioning the procedure and manner in which it was executed. During the most exciting and unquestionably hectic time of anyone’s life, while thoughts of sleep patterns, breastfeeding, diaper changing and the experience of new parenthood bombard the mind; the weighty issue of legitimating a child- the time, additional funds and necessary energy required to do so- was certainly not conveyed.
There must be a way to lower and eventually eliminate the barrier for willing and responsible men to be equally and lawfully vested in their children’s lives, irrespective of marital status. For without question, mothers are not only born with certain inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. They are also born with the right to rear their children, regardless of the circumstances under which the child is born. The laws currently on the books are, in the minds of many, punitive towards unwed fathers. In an attempt to legislate morality the law has, as a derivative, eliminated fathers. What could be more immoral?
In my quest to seek a fair and just outcome- to see to it that my daughter does not slip through the statistical cracks, I’m finding that the cost to sally up, at minimum, starts at $3,000-$5,000. I simply do not have those kinds of funds at my disposal. So in absence of the power of the purse, I’m using the power of the pen. It is not my desire to lambaste the mother of my child. I am simply trying to spotlight an issue that is eroding the moral fabric of our culture and society at large. Selfishly, I am doing this with one person as my driving force and that is my daughter.
So I ask you readers to write your congressmen, email your state and local representatives, and hug a dad just for good measure. I know that I am a small voice in a chorus of unlikely victims, crying out for the right to be protected by the law. I pray the cries of the single dads are not lost on deaf ears. And it is my foremost desire that you and people like you will work with me and men like me so that we can continue to be what I believe is the best job in the world, a dad.
Thank You For Your Time and Autumn Daddy Loves You!
