The age of the gentleman; chivalry isn’t dead responsibility is…

This blog is not bashing the male species it defines chivalry as I see it!

I want to go on record and say that I love men. I appreciate the idiosyncrasies that make them so special. The personas, the need to protect, the phallic competition, the avoidance of feelings and annoyance with impracticality; all of it entertains and intrigues me.   Sure they can be frustrating but we all can be that way.  Sure they can be oblivious to their surrounding but hey that’s me after a few glasses of wine.  We too often blame the entire species for the misgivings of a select few.

With that said there is an issue weighing heavy on my mind today and it’s the concept of chivalry. My friend was talking to me last night about men and the lack of chivalry.  She believes its dead and gone, I disagree! I think it is thriving but like so many other things in this society is dependent upon services rendered. 
 

I will start by saying that chivalry is a term I often use interchangeably with accountability or obligation.  The definition according to dictionary.com is the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.

Knightly behavior has been sensationalized and converted into unrealistic romantic fantasies. Knights were uniformed savages, warriors, pillagers; my guess is not too many of them were nice (so why would I expect my man to be knightly). Gentleman like behavior is what I would equate it to or some sort of male code of ethics associated with generosity and valor.  Opening car doors is nice but is it chivalrous? Calling me back when I call you is appropriate but not chivalrous.  Pumping my gas saves me from smelling like a diesel tanker but is it chivalrous? Taking out the trash is helpful but is it chivalrous?  I argue no and not just because they are things I would do weather a man was there or not, and because those tasks don’t meet the definition of the word in my opinion. But it is gentleman like to do all of those things and I salute the gentlemen in the world.  

I think the expectation of Chivalry today is centered on concepts related to personal responsibility… I think many men (not all) are just comfortable not being responsible or accountable for anything.  Not pulling their weight, not paying for meals, not being dependable, not being trustworthy and so much more. A knight is a person granted an honorary title for service.  Where is the service?  Fellas some of your kin folk are just too comfortable being dependent on the “chivalry” and service of women which is not gentlemen like at all.  I have come across too many men recently that think just because they open doors that means they are good men. Sure you opened my door but then you didn’t pay your half of the rent.  Thanks you asked me to move in with you but then you quit your job. Great you drove us to the restaurant but then you wanted me to pay for your steak dinner.  Say word, you pumped my gas but then you drove my car to work for a week and left it on empty.  

Where is the service? Where is the courtesy?  Where is the responsibility for your own actions? Where are the gentlemen?   

I think more people not just men need to be more responsible. Your actions impact others. Your gestures have meaning. Your words have purpose. I feel like Gentlemen are aware of that which is why they can be chivalrous.

Chivalry is something that occurs over time, much like trust and respect.  It is a reoccurring trait of a gentleman.  One act of chivalry doesn’t make you chivalrous.  Does cooking one meal so you have something to eat make you a chef?  Does posting a Youtube video make you a video producer? Does singing in your shower make you a top recording artist? Does cleaning one paper cut make you a doctor? Does snorkeling make you a fish? Hell no! There are things you do because they are right and there are things you do for chivalry. 

I once dated a guy that wanted reward and acknowledgement for doing the things that were right.  I would say no; “why am I giving you praise for doing the things that are expected, that’s like rewarding you for breathing”.  This angered him! He felt like he was chivalrous and I wasn’t acknowledging it, not giving credit where it was due.   But chivalry is not the expectation for me but some things he associated with it were my personal standards in a relationship.  Example: he would say well I don’t hit you or cheat on you so I am a good man and I deserve credit for that.  My argument for that was- “that is the standard”!  You shouldn’t hit or cheat on those you love. Some people do but those are people living below the standard (shame on you heathens).  That doesn’t make you chivalrous it makes you a regular adult and if you need motivation and reward to do those things then we have a problem! My ultimate point was don’t lower your bar to meet their expectations for a healthy relationship, raise your bar to meet my standard of expectation for a good relationship. Hell, raise your own bar; treat people how you want to be treated kind sir. 

Chivalry is above the standard!  Not everybody was a knight it was an honor, so doing honorable things above the normal is chivalry to me. I also think chivalry is situationally dependent on your relationship; it requires you to know your partner so you can do things that are courtesy and generous for them. 

Here are some examples of chivalry in my opinion:

·     Escorting me to my car is important when thwarting off unsavory attacks and yes in Atlanta I would consider that an act of valor.

·     Knowing I am an overly scheduled professional and checking my calendar then planning a date night that only requires me to show up, that is an act of courtesy.

·     Bringing me flowers because I am having a bad day

·     Asking my parents’ (i.e. my dad) permission to marry me

·     Bowling over a 290 (I need a strong partner)

·     Washing my hair (I hate doing it, pretty please, I won’t think less of you because of it and nobody has to know)

·     Changing my flat tire despite me having AAA (thanks for saving me a towing fee love)

·     Letting me pick the playlist for a road trip

I know this was an argument of semantics but it’s what I was thinking.  I am searching for a gentleman and maybe I will find one but for now, to all those men whose standard is to be a gentleman (opening doors, pulling out chairs, properly introducing your woman in social settings, walking on the outside of the street, being polite, escorting women to cars etc.) I say thank you!  To the men teaching chivalry to younger generations, I say thank you!  And to the future man that will be my personal knight I say call me (what’s taking you so long?), please and thank you! 

Topless Thursday

As we embark on this "Terrific" Thursday I find myself, yet again wishing today was the last day in my work week.  We all experience it, the Thursday slump. The morning wake-up with excitement because we have been so busy in a week that we assume it is Friday. Then that one co-worker that you already have trouble tolerating decides to wish you a “Happy Thursday”.  That’s when your world comes crashing down; Hell freezes over, babies start projectile vomiting and that demon from the Exorcist starts speaking in tongues all to the sound they used to make when you landed on a Whammy!  Then you realize he/she is right, there is one more day in this week and its tomorrow.  I don’t care that it’s casual Friday; I want causal Thursday!

Thursday is just another day where I have to pick out something pseudo professional to wear. Another day I have to buy lunch. Another day I have to think intelligent thoughts and hold productive conversation.  But Thursday is the ultimate tease (much like the title of this blog)!!!  It provokes you to feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel but then hits you over the head with a flashlight.  It’s hurtful and demeaning the way it makes you believe your week is over but it really isn’t.

I'm a supporter of the 4-day work week. I mean do we really need 5 entire days to have meetings and create products.  I might be more efficient if I thought I only had 4 days a week to accomplish my goals.  I would happily switch to a 10 hour day to make this happen.  Think about the benefits:

•        More time to avoid spending time with family

•        Saving money on commuting to and from work ( gas is over $3 a gallon don’t play )

•        Saving money on energy costs (because I am not in my office with every light on)

•        More productive and happier employees overall  (i.e. less company time bad-mouthing  your office on facebook and twitter)

•        Extra day of antics that can make for juicy water-cooler talk (what is work without judging your slutty coworkers?)

I am not saying all businesses should do this (this means you retailers and banks), because I still want to shop and have access to my money while I am not at work.  However, many business and organizations (specifically my employer) should definitely make it happen.  I am tired of using leave to run errands during my work day. I am over fighting the urge to sleep in on Fridays.  I am hostile at my absentee boss and extreme anti-social coworkers (this applied to my previous job).  I Love my new office (most of the time); girl scouts honor!

I just want my weekends to be 3 days long. Thursday happy hour needs a new purpose; it should be to celebrate the end of a tumultuous week.  I want to use my Fridays for DVR catch up and lying around on my couch. Fridays should now be reserved for standing in security lines at the airport (on my way to Fiji) and weddings (I hate losing an entire Saturday night because you want to get married at 3:30pm)!  Fridays should be for driving SUVs, watching baseball and grilling in the summertime, it’s the American way. 

So much more can be accomplished in my life if I had every Friday off. Don’t get me wrong I have no plans to use my Friday off for the greater good (that’s what Sunday is for).  But I am sure some people will and we should at least consider it for those do-gooders out in the world.  They need our support!

If this petition doesn’t work; which I suspect it won’t then somebody needs to build a pullout bed and a full service bar in my office! I need amenities at work to make it through…

Reality is Worse than Fiction

The past 3 days my reality has been force fed the unfortunate train wreck that is reality TV in Atlanta.  I have a few general thoughts when dealing with my own love-hate relationships with shows like Real Housewives of Atlanta, Tardy for the Wedding, and the newest and ultimately ridiculous Love & Hip Hop Atlanta.

·         Do NOT Date rappers or athletes

·         Sex tapes are not viable career options

·         Use condoms (always)

·         Wear a bra (in public) people can throw drinks at anytime

·         It ain’t trickin if you got it

·         You can wear gym clothes but never actually go to the gym

·         Talent is over-rated

·         Anybody can be a star

These shows also invoke several legitimate thoughts including:

Authenticity – I like to think of reality TV like wrestling. It’s fake but still entertaining to a specific audience.  Scripted or not, multiple takes or not, if it is on TV and not a documentary I am going with fake!  A person behaving badly makes for great ratings but where is the authenticity. Where do you draw the line at reality and fiction? The people are real but their behaviors are over-dramatized and sensationalized.  The settings are real but the scenarios are staged.  It can be hard for people to decipher the fact from fiction, especially when there is no base line for comparison.  I want to see real “reality TV”. Show these women waking up in the morning with no make-up on. Show these women in a non-agitated state.  Show these women in professional settings so I can see how their behaviors and appearances translate across multiple variables and societal labels. Guess what you can label individuality, it is called individuality. For all you people who are anti-authority or conformity…that is still a label so get over yourselves!  Whatever your label be your authentic self.  Authentic- not false or copied; genuine; real …YOU (YES Even if that you is a trendy, label whore that desires to be a carbon copy of a celebutant)!

Perception –another thing that comes to mind for me is perception. Some people (likely raised by wolves or MTV teen moms) perceive the images and “realities” they are exposed to on TV and in magazines to be truth.  Yes I know there is some truth in art and entertainment. Yes I know for some of these kids and adults this is common behavior but does it have to be and does that make it truth?  The brain is a highly developed organ and visual perception can be ambiguous but doesn’t have to equate to perception.  I also think of perception at the societal level and how African Americans (and a multitude of other ethnicities) are represented on television.  I have been told by many people black, white and others that I am not a typical black woman.  What the hell does that even mean? So I don’t eat fried food (I have a stomach condition), I don’t roll my neck unless it’s to stretch before a work out, I don’t have kids and I’m almost 30, I have 2 college degrees, I have excellent credit, have never been on welfare, I vote, and I have a legitimate job that doesn’t require me to slide down a pole or dress like a prostitute.  Yay for me but shame on you for having that perception of what I should be as a black woman.  Guess what, I represent a growing faction of woman.  Yes some people enable and fulfill stereo-types but reality TV is feeding into the belief that people like me are the exception and the ladies of Love & Hip Hop are the rule. 

Modeling – so when I say modeling I don’t mean Victoria Secret. I mean repeating learned behaviors. Young men and women are trying to be what they see.  Reality stars are the people who serve as a behavioral or moral example to them in today’s world.  Role models if you will and whether they should be or not this is the reality in our society.  Parents and teachers (the good ones) do what they can but are fighting an uphill battle.  What do you want to be when you grow up? Me I want to be a gymnast, astronaut, dinosaur-geneticist (I was a smart kid with an over-active imagination).  Obviously that dinosaur thing didn’t pan out but I tried to be all the other things because my parents were working class folks that instilled in me the importance of education and doing better than they generations before.  I also grew up watching the Cosby Show and a Different World and non-Sponge Bob Saturday morning cartoons.  I wanted to emulate what I saw which is why my parents limited my viewing of television.   The most risqué thing I remember watching was soap operas which gave me a skewed perspective of Caucasians.  If I went off what I learned from TV white people steal babies, sleep with their friends husbands, never work anywhere but hospitals, and are mobsters that never die and have kids that age 10 years in a day.

My point is kids today have a lot more dangerous imagery and a lot less active parenting.  What are they learning from TV other than black people are a hot damn mess? They are learning that fake everything on your body is the norm; STDs are no big deal and don’t happen even if you are sleeping with multiple people; having babies in your teenage years is cool; college is not a priority when you can date a rapper or an athlete; child support is a source of income; and every problem can be solved with drink throwing, hair pulling, and lying. 

Ultimately since we are playing the blame game, I blame everyone!  I fault TV executives for not providing contrasting stimuli and audiences for not demanding positive imagery.  Lead by example oh wait we are…these are adults behaving badly.

Mass Media Influence –the current climate of society is always looking for blame. Does TV influence the moral behavior of people is a common question. Television is malignant but I as an adult I know it is fictional.  So what is the impact on “reality” TV which is still fiction but marketed as real life?  I think the answer to that is in each individual household.  How you let television impact you is a personal choice. But again on a global level there are some foreseen impacts. Mass media shapes culture. It determines trends in fashion, technology, education, socialization, even cultural practices (including baby naming).  We have seen the influence of major events that have received mass media coverage or the impact on generations for over saturation of perceptions (sex, drugs, music).   I have experienced it in my adult life in ways I didn’t expect. Example:  African American men I have dated tend to want me to be certain type of black woman the kind they have seen perpetuated on TV but without the negative connotations.  I have been told I am not sexy enough (really put on heels to grocery shop?), or that my body type isn’t ideal (sorry no ghetto booty here), or that I don’t care about keeping a “black” man because I don’t believe in having my nails done (especially in neon colors) or conforming to ridiculous images of black woman (weave isn’t for everyone).  Men (and women) are starting to believe that is what you have to be, to be black.  We need to focus more on being ourselves, accepting our own realities, improving disparities and the moral fiber of society.  And less about labeling and what someone is wearing, who they are sleeping with, and how much money they have.  The unfortunate reality is that because that is entertaining to audiences and it is a profitable business it will continue to remain important.  So that fancy talking box in your living room will continue to show programs like Real Housewives of every major city known to man. I am not saying don’t watch, I just think you should consider turning to discovery health every now and then or reading a book.

We are all influenced by something, I just hope that something isn’t Love and Hip Hop or reality TV. I personally like to be influenced by sleazy politicians and the cartoon characters from Jem and the Holograms. Some days I am Jerrica Benton, other days I am Pizzazz (don’t judge me)! 

What to Expect when you are NOT expecting

What to Expect when you are NOT expecting (the UNexpecting woman’s guide to navigating pregnancy and babies). Some lessons learned that may help you prepare...

1.       Baby Shower Gifts Galore (For Other People) – you are at the age where everyone is popping out “mini-mes” which means endless baby showers and children’s birthday parties (where they often frown upon serving real liquor).  How is this experience rewarded, with cheesy baby games, high calorie cake, and gifts that you must supply!  Babies R’ US is an overpriced retailer that prays on the UNexpecting woman’s wallet.   Thank you gift registries for making my life miserable, as I am the only one that uses you properly so 4 other people still buy the gift I took time to search for and wrap.  Thank you Babies R’ Us for selling everything at what seems like a  25% mark-up from what it is priced at target, but that is where these breeders decided to register . 
TIP: BYOB stands for bring your own baby bottle full of vodka if you have to suffer through it you might as well have alcohol.

2.       Photo Presentation Plethora – if you are classified as UNexpecting it is likely you have parents in your life that want you to join them on the darkside.  How do they try to convince you; with the classic “Don’t you wish” photo montage of course. The parade of photos from bathtub cute to baby eats his/her own toes will take place whenever groups of 3 or more gather in social delight. Thanks to the iPhone they can be cleaver and put them in a collage and turn them into videos with a soundtrack. Thanks to Facebook and twitter they can clog your timeline and suck you into a web of deception about the joys of parenting.  Now any routine social gathering becomes an opportunity for parents to share anecdotes and “super cute” baby pics in an effort to compel you to procreate.  Beware of the “wouldn’t it be great if our kids could play together” conversation.  Don’t believe the hype you live inside the perimeter and they clearly live in Duluth and for the sake of pure logic your kids will never play together it’s just too far! Sure your kid is cute; sure they do cute things all the time but guess what? After one picture I get the point ( I have a pretty good imagination for an adult) I clearly understand where and how the frame by frame stills of your kid eating spaghetti in a high chair will end! WE get it! And yes everybody loves a great cute kid video every now and again but not every moment is sharing time.  Yes some people keep baby photo albums in their car or purse. Yes you have to endure until someone comes and saves the conversation with a drunken one-night stand story.
TIP: Keep naked pictures of men or women on your phone then claim you are going to show pictures of your pet and accidentally click on the wrong image…people tend to judge you heavily at that point and assume you are too sexually active and immature to have babies!

3.       Biological Clock Watching – as an UNexpecting, what you don’t know is everybody is watching your biological clock tick. It is bad enough you have to hear it tick-tocking away but people feel the need to comment on it the older you get.  Are you Pregnant?  is always a great question that reminds you those fat jeans serve a purpose.  No I’m not pregnant; I just ate too many chicken nachos! First it’s your parents and family; when are you going to get married and have some kids, you’re only getting older.  Then it is your friends with kids; I am so glad I had my kids young, I can’t imagine starting this when I was older. Then its society; Jersey shore stars having babies at 24, research saying the older you get the more difficult pregnancy can be, celebrity baby births and adoptions making CNN headlines.  In what world is that news??!?  The point is yes you know you’re getting older; hell you celebrate it every year on your BIRTHDAY! You feel it every day as your body changes and yes you can hear your own clock (if you have one).  You don’t need the constant reminder that you don’t have kids yet but you can’t avoid it. Just remember to each in their own time, smile and feel free to hit snooze on that clock as many times as you want.   
TIP:  Tell people a watched pot doesn’t boil and then when they look at you with confusions say I am still enjoying travel and developing my career too much right now to focus on kids.

4.       Gynecological History – this is your public service announcement. Just because you aren’t expecting doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be seeing a gynecologist on a regular basis and having pap-smears, STD tests, breast exams and other medical assessments.  Take care of yourself and your who-ha because one day you may be expecting and you are going to need that lady part to be working properly.  But as a UNexepecting you may occasionally be asked to participate in doctors’ visits or attend the birth.  Be warned: that can be overwhelming and you may be caught off guard if you don’t do your research.  Start with the Miracle of Life video http://video.pbs.org/video/1841157252/ it can be a helpful synopsis about pregnancy and birth.  If you want a longer version in more detail check Life’s Greatest Miracle (be sure to have wine on hand it helps).

5.       Lifestyle Assessment: Footloose and Fancy Free – One of the many benefits to being an UNexpecting woman is you can craft a lifestyle that fits your needs.  Are you a coffee drinker? Then have 5 cups a day and do whatever you want, get Starbucks wasted. Do you enjoy social or recreational drinking? Well guess what you can continue to do so. Love being a microwave ninja and standing in front of it while it counts down just so you can avoid the beep.  The great thing about being an UNexpecting is you can do whatever you like! No worries about harming your unborn fetus. No limits of travel. No fears or concerns for the lives of your spawn.  Eat sushi and deli meat, exercise or not, have sex in every position you can at any time of day you deem appropriate.  Be FREEEEEEEEEEEE! The only thing you have to be mindful of is that your friends that are parents do occasionally want to live vicariously through you but probably enjoy their family life so don’t over-share.  Be respectful of people’s lifestyle choices (kids or kid free) and then talk about them when they aren’t around!  Hey they do it to you!

My views and affiliations in no way reflect an anti-parent sentiment or a dislike for children.   I love kids and have taken care of many throughout the years. I look forward to having my own and will continue to like, comment, and say how cute all of your kids are on any social media outlet you post them to. I also realize that all views are subject to change once I have kids but until then I am just single and childless in America, don’t freak out! LOL

PS: Yes I know UNexpecting is not a word!!!

Welcome

So because Facebook annoys me and I get tired of posting notes, I have decided to start a blog.  It is really more for me then it is for others but perhaps people are wondering what I may be thinking.  Perhaps reading this will make people wonder. Either way, I am doing it so here goes.

I wanted to share a few tidbits about my state of mind when deciding to craft this blog.  I recently got out of a nearly 4 year relationship with a man (he wasn’t all bad just not right for me).  I recently took a new job working with science and data (fun but missing the pizazz I am used to). I recently started making tv shows and movies with some friends (Film Majors). 

I realized I am a crazy busy person mainly because I hate dealing with feelings but I am still a person that needs to decompress every now and again.  I write my thoughts better than I say them sometimes, so here we are.  I will probably talk about a range of topics including dating and relationships, travel, cooking, my crazy family, and anything else I deem appropriate to share.

I judge people but hate being judged (I’m human get over it).  I care about what people say but will pretend not to, and I occasionally tell white lies to make people feel better.

I am a bad catholic but still attend mass; I tend to make the occasional bad decision but mainly because I believe in the inherent goodness of people! I am a nerd that loves Syfy! Football is my favorite sport. I am a college graduate but what does that really mean other than I owe a ton of money in student loans.  I cuss like a sailor which upsets my very conservative Southern Baptist mother. I am a military brat (Air Force baby) and I have traveled a great deal but not nearly enough internationally.

I would say that is all in a nut shell but it isn’t I am just hungry and plan to go to lunch now!

I am a terrible speller and I don’t often proof read my own work!