Musical Magic (What If Friday)

The human melody is a unique symphony triumph, catastrophe, and mediocrity all playing to an eight count. I hope you are reveling in the jubilation that is FRIDAY! Seeing as I am in a musical mood let’s go ahead and kick off If (Questions for the Game of Life).

Question:        If you had to name the best live musical performance you have ever attended, which would you pick.

As I started thinking about the answer to this question I realized I have been to quite a few concerts:

·         112 and Ludacris

·         Coldplay

·         D ’Angelo and Mos Def

·         Danger Mouse

·         Dashboard Confessionals

·         Far East Movement and LMFAO

·         Gym Class Hero’s/ Estelle/ and The Roots

·         Janelle Monae and Gnarls Barkley

·         Krush Girls (DJ extravaganzas)

·         Lauyrn Hill

·         Lupe Fiasco

·         Pastor Troy

·         Plain White Tees

·         R.E.M.

·         Stevie Wonder

·         Stroke 9 and 311

·         T.I. and friends

·         The Fray

·         Tokyo Police Club

·         Trey Songz and Usher

·         Trombone Shorty

·         Wide Spread Panic

·         Zac Brown Band

·         DJ Clue / Trina and Friends

+ Many a cover band, rap artist, DJ, jazz musician (2011 Jazz Festival and more), festival lineup artist,  and regular musician trying to make it in America! I remember many a tired night at MJQ (don’t judge me)!

These are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head, which means I was likely intoxicated or I'm getting old. *sad face* However, what I have learned from this list is that I have an eclectic taste in music, I get a lot of free tickets (I only paid for about 15% of the shows on the list), and I need to go to more concerts. I expected this to be a two page list when I started; I have got to do better. Having to pick the best is difficult. Hands Down the Roots gives an amazing live show as does Coldplay and Stevie Wonder. Those concerts were legendary for me! Unforgettable, if you will but I can only chose one! In terms of great music they all score high on the list.  My best concert experience however involves several factors: level of drunkenness, enjoyment of the music, love for the artist, company, my outfit cuteness, and affordability.

Considering all of those dynamics the award goes to Coldplay! I had on my favorite boots (which are no longer with us), I was able to sing every song (they are one of my favorite bands), I sat outside, I had some great arm candy, there was beer, tickets were affordable, and I got a free CD and t-shirt when it was all said and done! Interactive live show with great music and fun times; it was pretty Awesome!!!!!

Happy Friday!

Party of Flu

Flu season is upon us. Cover your cough and wash your hands folks, it’s the right thing to do! This morning in true civil service fashion, I received my flu shot. This year I had a choice of the traditional shot or the newer interstitial vaccine. What is the difference you ask…well one is into the muscle (long needle) and the other is not (short needle). I do officially recommend those that are needle phobic get the interstitial shot because it is relatively painless and the needle is barely visible.

What will be important about this blog is not my shot but my nurse.  What you don’t want to hear prior to sitting down is your nurse asking questions about how to administer or determine what is needed to administer shots.  A little unnerving but manageable. What was slightly unsettling is her lack of bedside manner. No matter how sweet, funny or nice you appear to be certain things are still inappropriate to say to patients.  Things you don’t want to hear your nurse say (which I heard this morning):

1) Its like riding a bike [giving shots]

2) Let’s go with the newer shot because I need the practice, and

3) Its ok you will be a great guinea pig.

Nurse Lady let me start by saying; it is not like riding a bike! Anybody with legs and arms can ride a bike. That is not the same of administering medication via needle. That is why you go to school and receive proper training and if it has been that long since you have given a shot perhaps we need to reevaluate.

I need to practice is never something you say out loud when holding a sharp object. That’s like wielding a knife or gun and saying “I’m getting better at this the more I use it”! We all know practice makes perfect but you never want to be the practice dummy for your medical professional (too much is at stake)! Guinea pig status is not what I want to be! Think about it guinea pigs are expendable, fury, creepy, bitey little rodents that run around on wheels and burrow in straw.  I don’t want to be that under any circumstances! I equate that phrase to medical research or high risk life threatening activities though up by college students and teenagers.  Unless I am getting paid for my ovaries or videotaped (so I a record for evidentiary purposes) never should I be a guinea pig!

I know so many amazing nurses but I was reminded today, just like any industry there are the novice and inexperienced. All-in-all, I am happy I got the flu shot and I am now prepared for flu season. Vaccines serve an important purpose in prevention and that is my personal and professional medical opinion. No I'm not a doctor but I play one on TV! I hope others experience greatness and get a flu shot! It gives you super powers people, the power to fight off influenza! Costume not included. 

Perhaps we should make flu season a national holiday give it an awareness month and kick it off with margaritas (just like Cinco de Mayo). Ain’t no party like an influenza party cause an influenza party don’t stop….

Angry Bird

So angry typing is a bad idea. I have learned this from many occasions but sometimes it serves a greater purpose, it prevents you from laying hands on people. Sometimes you do have to kill people with kindness and be the bigger person in situations.  That means secretly wishing to triumph via the old adage “karma is a bitch”! For the record I’m not angry but I'm not feeling very kind. I am however, very irritated which made me think, why do people insist on trying to upset me? Angry me is not fun, nice or appropriate. I respect you if you respect me. We all learned that in kindergarten (even kids that were home schooled know better) so why do people forget it in adulthood?

I just don’t understand how and why people feel the need to act a fool. I like to think I’m a nice person with a sharp edge.  I don’t go out of my way to be cruel or mean, I occasionally think mean thoughts but I keep those to myself and close friends. When crossed I cut deep but all in all I think I’m a pretty good person. Fun loving, laughter oriented, blast in a glass! So it strikes me as odd when people feel the need to try my patience. My annoyed hat is on and before I move into angry, I think I need to clear some things up:

·       Don’t start with me before I have had breakfast or food. I can’t be held responsible for what I might say or do when malnourished. We all know I have a smart mouth but I can’t filter when starving so your feelings will likely get hurt.

·         Compliments wrapped in insults really piss me off. If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all. Trust me I’m a Leo praise is something I give myself often! If you can’t be genuine then keep it to yourself.

·         I am not antagonistic or aggressive yet. White America let me be clear-- just because I have an opinion or clarify a thought doesn’t mean I’m a militant black woman. This is not a Tyler Perry Movie.  Maybe, just maybe, you were wrong or my opinion had value. If I haven’t raised my voice or cussed you out (after taking off earrings) then you can relax.  I’m not a killer, but don’t push me.

·         I don’t like surprises! Directness is always the best approach with me; I don’t need to find out from anybody anything different than what we have discussed. I don’t care to be involved in he said- she said. I try to remain neutral like Switzerland. With that said, let me know what I am walking into ahead of time it’s better for everyone (especially you).

·         If I wanted you to read my email I would have invited you to my monitor or just sent it to you direct. Office folks know what I’m talking about!

·         Just because I’m responsible doesn’t mean I won’t put paws on you! I wouldn’t classify myself as a fighter (anymore) but given the right circumstances (i.e. you putting hands on me) I will remind you where I’m from! Remember, I have bail money because I have real income. I’m also not opposed to voodoo curses so pump the brakes before you think about going there. 

·         Mind your business! Or as we say in the government, stay in your lane! I would define myself in most situations as an oversharer. I don’t mind telling people what I think, feel, or experience but if I’m not telling you something it’s because I probably don’t want you to know or it doesn’t have anything to do with you.  If it involves you I will let you know. We aren’t all best friends! I’m not going to friend everyone on Facebook and invite you over to my house. Calm down, feel free to read my blog if you want to know what’s up but otherwise mind ya business and hush yo mouth!

·         There are stupid questions! I just want you to be informed the next time you decided to ask one! I may not respond because you are an idiot.

·         Two-faced is never a good look. If you can’t be the same with me in one setting as you are in another then let’s just not associate. I don’t need the confusion; I also don’t care to worry about how to treat you in public vs the office. Professionalism is a skill; it doesn’t mean you aren’t a person. Stop being shady and just keep it real! I’m not trying to be your best friend, I’m just trying to acknowledge your existence and do my job effectively.

For those of you thinking about getting out of pocket with me this week, word to the wise I’m not the one. Save yourself the trouble and just keep a safe distance (virtually/digitally, physically, etc.) at least until Friday. I’m generally really happy on Friday and may let your foolishness slide.

Martha Monday

I would wish you all a happy Monday but that is an oxymoron and I don’t want to start with hypocrisy this early in the morning. We all know Monday’s suck mainly because it means you are back at work and that means no more weekend warrior for you. 

I am feeling the burn today, my weekend craft project turning my mundane and filthy patio into an outdoor seating area has me sore in places I didn’t think existed.  You paint a few pallets, make a few signs, and hang a few lights and your body experiences radiating pain.  It seems unfair but I assume this is why people hire illegal day laborers.  My project is almost complete (just missing furniture cushions) and I’m proud of how far I have come. The neighborhood cat has made a visit for the first time ever, so my work has made the patio cozy enough for a feline which is a step in the right direction. Once I make it human hospitable I can invite people over to enjoy adult beverages and play taboo!

There is something to this Do It Yourself concept. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes from getting your hands dirty and creating something you want.  Not the same sense of accomplishment from sipping hurricanes and watching people you have paid get the job done but accomplishment nonetheless. Next up is my living room! I will not be building a couch (I am dedicated, not crazy or a carpenter). But there are some changes coming. New art for the walls, new chair, new layout, and maybe even some new febreeze noticeables, I’m thinking it’s time to change my scent;  linens and spring mist are great but I want something new.  See the trend here people…new and improved. Now if I can just get a new and improved body then my 2012 will have been worth it! I would however, settle for some bengay at this point because my hamstrings really hurt.

I do this every so often, decide to change some things. Take on projects, run with the bulls, and stay up past midnight.  You know get crazy chocolate wasted and live life to the fullest. So over the next few weeks expect blogs about foolish projects…I see a craft table in my future (thanks in advance ikea). Let the revolution for home change commence.     

Other than my arts and crafts project winning weekend I had football so all was right in the world. My Dawgs did it again with an amazing win over Vanderbilt. My Saints went to 0-3 which makes me sad but I assume means my college team will rise to all kinds of Glory. Why can’t I have a successful college and pro season at the same damn time? If Future can do it, why can’t I?

Well today was short and sweet mainly because my fingers are sore from painting and bug bites (I worked outside against my better judgment). Today is for you Martha Stewart -- post prison Martha I salute you! I feel like you and Future could be great friends and perhaps you should have him on your show. You are both multitasking go getters, think about it!

Back to work I go.

Wild One (What If Friday)

Happy Friday friends, family, and readers! We made it!!!!  You should know what Friday means…debauchery, foolishness, randomness and If (Questions for the Game of Life).  The soundtrack for today’s question is Flo Rida - Wild Ones! I’m not proud of that selection but it is what immediately came to mind when I read the question and what I used to justify my answer.

For the record, Flo Rida is not in my iTunes rotation (ever) it is just heavily played on the radio which I listen to frequently.

Question:        If you had to spend one year alone in the wilderness, where would you go?

Well we all saw 127 hours and if you didn’t see it you should (James Franco gives an amazing performance). With that being said, I would not spend my year in any canyon in Moab, Utah. Canyons are for white people who like adventure and boulders that need a home, not for me.

Another place I can scratch off my list is the Artic, Antarctic and Alaska. I saw 30 days of Night and I don’t need vampires trying to eat me. I also don’t under any circumstances do cold weather year round so that’s just not going to work out.  Penguins are cute but Happy Feet can’t dance for a year and keep me distracted from the cold, at some point he will have to fight killer seals and teach his baby penguin kids lessons about self-acceptance and individuality.

I am also happy to eliminate any deserts from my list, mainly because of the extreme temperatures and lack of aesthetic (I need something to look at other than sand dunes and cactus). Then I thought all that sand in all sorts of crevices I wouldn’t want sand in; no thank you!

Next I figured I would select the jungle! Rain Forest means diversity of life and great weather. But I realized industrial development is leading to the deforestation and pollution of these areas. That in combination with Global Warming (which I learned about from Al Gore) makes me fear that I might not make it a year. I also remembered that the rain forest is riddled with insects and killer bugs. So perhaps the FernGully I imagined in my mind should just stay an animated dream. I thought of Africa and the vast wilderness it holds but I wanted to stay domestic and use my year to explore something I haven’t seen in my home continent.

Then Flo Rida made me think about the urban wilderness, “Party going wild, fist pumping music… Blast to the roof, that how we do'z it… Gotta break loose cause that's the motto… Somehow, someway, gotta raise the roof, roof, All black shades when the sun come through”. He may not be a lyrical genius but he does have a point, clubs themselves are a wilderness complete with hunters and prey. Although I do enjoy wearing sexy outfits, dancing, and drinking, I couldn’t do it for an entire year. Can you imagine using a club bathroom for 365 days or having to turn down the advances of creepy old men or to consistently witness the train wreck that is the next generation’s dance/club wear? I will pass Flo Rida!

But I am a wild one and that made me realize I need to alter my perception of the question.  If I had to live in the wilderness, I wouldn’t want to be human. I would want to enjoy the full scope of it all and really adapt and survive in my new environment. So I have decided to be a wolf (even if that means I’m a one woman wolf pack)! And I would live in a safe but wild place something like a national forest or park. Like Yellowstone or Eldorado National Forest. This way I can avoid being killed or have my home destroyed. I would want something big and on the west coast just because of weather; so Humboldt-Toiyabe National Forest which is over 6 million acres is my choice (I did research people). From its towering mountain ranges to rolling sagebrush plains; I would have plenty of space to run free and get my wolf on! So there you have it!!!!

“I am a wild one, tame me now, running with wolves and I'm on the prowl!”

Side Note: If wolves weren’t wild killers I would totally domesticate one and keep it as a pet, like a crazy person!

This is what Wolf-Me would look like!

Fear Factor

We all have fears in life. There aren’t too many things that actually scare me, which explains my love for scary movies and horror films. I was thinking on my way into work this morning that I have very few legitimate fears; but there are more things I dislike or that cause me discomfort.

Fear Factor and Scare tactics were shows, I remember them! The concepts were classic, put people in unknown situations that play off of things that are scary.  That’s not hard to do these days because there is a lot to fear in society, but it got me thinking where do our fears come from? What initiated some of my fears and does facing them really help you overcome them? I’m sure fear has been studied by some scientist somewhere but I want to self-assess.

I never had phobias as a child nor did I worry about unfortunate events.  But should Lemony Snicket or Freddy Krueger decided to wage war on my mental state there are some things they could use as fuel. Obviously I had to identify my fears:

Failure – I know this seems cliché. But I hate losing, even at life! If I have failed at something it devastates my psyche and projects into anger and disappointment. It isn’t pretty people and it really pisses me off, but that anger is just manifested fear. I don’t want to ever fail but when I do it is crippling.

Being homeless – I know this seems weird but I really do fear losing all my money and living out my version of the great depression. Sleeping in shelters and panhandling for food. Not sure where this fear comes from but it’s real enough for me to work like a Jamaican and hoard my money. I’m frugal for a reason people.  The thought of not being able to shower, sleeping on the ground, or dying of malnutrition or health issues gives me goose bumps.  Living of the kindness of others is enough to give me a panic attack; others aren’t kind and to be in a situation where I have nothing would be demoralizing. Besides I might end up crazy, vocalizing the end of the world, pushing a shopping cart and collecting stray cats and that is no good for anybody.

Dying from a faulty parachute – I don’t have a problem with heights, or flying, or extreme sports. I have a problem with parachutes and I will never sky dive because I value my life and because I fear dying.  It’s kind of bizarre and I know I say I will try anything once but I won’t do that.  I get anxiety thinking about it; suiting up, getting in the plane, standing at the door having to jump, falling….falling, and ultimately falling some more. My shoot doesn’t open I plummet to my death and then wake up in my next fear. 

Going to Hell – as a Catholic I have been conditioned to fear hell and Nuns. I have clearly had several dreams about dying and several have ended in hell. My guess is that was manifested guilt for something but the reality is hell is scary and not a place I want to be. I joke about driving the bus for all those people I know wearing gasoline draws; but I don’t even want to get that close. I want to be the lady with the clipboard helping load the bus and then watching it drive away into the dreary and destitute sunset. I’m prayed up right now and repenting for my sins every day (living life the righteous way). I envision hell being hot and gross (which is hell also because I hate sweating); and I feel like it is a place where your darkest realities come true. My hell would be full of Justin Bieber songs, PBS specials, TPS reports, bland food, insects, 2 hour meetings where I have to pay attention, not having twitter and being without my loved ones. I picture it like ground hog day but with flames and serial killers.

I realize this is a short list and perhaps that’s good! I have less to worry about but in terms of my ability to face these fears, I really can’t do that because many are terminal.  So I strive to avoid them at all costs. I can’t imagine what it is like for people with real phobias; in my mind I equate it to living every day in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house.  My fears come from dreams and over thinking but that means I can process them internally and they motivate me to work hard and do the right thing.  I know for others fear can hinder your function and be derived from very traumatic experiences. I do not wonder what that's like. 

What strikes fear in your heart? Whatever it is just remember “One, two, Freddy's coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door. Five, six, grab your crucifix. Seven, eight, gonna stay up late. Nine, ten, never sleep again”…
Some items that made the discomfort list just so you know what I’m working with and what to avoid wishing upon me:

·         Being a passenger in a car with Amanda Bynes

·         Being pregnant with twins (or multiples)

·         Being reincarnated as a teenage cheerleader

·         Decipticons taking over the earth

·         Gardening

·         Gatherings of Birds (flocks) – full blame to Alfred Hitchcock

·         Large animals (cows, bears, horses, hippos)

·         Public Speaking (groups of over 25 individuals)

·         Sarah Palin

·         Sauerkraut

·         Sharks

·         Snakes on a Plane (the movie and it actually happening)

·         Spiders

·         Stalkers

Psycho Classic Fear!!!



Hello Krueger Kitty (LOL)







He is just an actor!





Business Time

The topic of the morning was business and the female super hero power of multitasking! We all know I like to stay busy. That might be an understatement; I love to over schedule and stay involved.  I like doing stuff (occupy my time and Wall Street). My creative side was feeling neglected recently and I decided to chase a few dreams. I started this blog, began working on my first web series (http://theshowplay.com/coming-soon/), and started event planning. I have also decided to DIY remodel my living and dining space. Call me Bob Vila because I’m about to get crafty with my Black & Decker drill and hammer!

Since I have been getting my black Martha Stewart on, I find that my creative juices are flowing! I’m excited about the business of getting down to business! I really do thrive on executing things, I love a finished product. The way it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside; the joys of knowing my to do list is done! I am taking on a few new projects which allowed me to reflect on what I already do!

My morning discussion led to a talk about the inability of men (not all but some) to multitask or handle details. I feel like if they knew what really happens in a 24 hour period their minds would explode.  All the things men do in a day, I feel pale in comparison to the daily job of a woman.  Women (not all but some) often juggle a lot,  mainly household and professional hats. We may not always do it effortlessly but I think many men under appreciate the effort and intricate nature that goes into every task. 

Here is what a typical day looks like for me so you have a better understanding of the chaos:

·         Wake up- shower, dress, and personal hygiene. For some women this includes hair and make-up; we all know I only do hair and make-up when I have somewhere fancy to go! Dressing oneself is a big deal (don’t believe me, then take 20 minutes and visit a Walmart).

·         Breakfast - often a fleeting thought for me and is accomplished while driving (in transit eating is my lifestyle) or walking or parking. Thank you Go Go Squeeze and Luna Bars for those nifty prepackaged portions that serve as my breakfast.

·         Work Hours (8am – 4:30pm) – I have a full time job that requires writing, reading but no arithmetic. I have to field tons of email, sit in meetings, generate products, edit/review documents, and manage my day to day work requirements and the expectations that come along with it.

·         Lunch Time – is reserved for blogging, bill paying, and making appointments. It is also for errand running if necessary, friend check in, and online shopping. All that occurs unless I have a working lunch at which time those tasks are moved to dinner time.

·         After Work – immediately after is work out time (if I have the time to spare), or hair appointments, shopping returns, pharmacy pick-up, visiting the post office and other tasks that must be accomplished before the end of business hours.

·         Dinner – if I have time to make it, this means cooking, cleaning and house chores. It’s reading the mail, doing laundry, stacking clean clothes in a basket, listening to CNN headlines, and finding missing shoes (I misplace more than I care to admit). It is also the time that most people want to meet and greet. So this can be reserved for business dinners, work related events, or friend time catch up via phone.

·         Late evening (post 9pm) – I’m just walking in the door at this time on most days but it is reserved for catching up on pinterest, sending emails for my other work, talking to my long distance (non-Verizon network friends), checking my crops on Oregon Trail and making my move in Words With Friends.  It is also when I prepare for the next day of work or for other projects and google search my life away.

·         Sleep Time – often later than I want; this is when I wrap my hair and get on my ipad and try to figure out my schedule for the next day, what I am going to wear, what I need to add to my to do list and watch Netflix. Vampire Dairies Season 3 is my current guilty pleasure!!!!

All of that occurs daily. My mind moves about 60 miles a minute and I’m always preparing and mentally plotting what’s next.  I work my regular job while pulling together creative content for my part-time passions (film/video making) and party planning.  So that means my day is also riddled with forms, image verification, staff emails, product identification, supplies acquisition, document making, and so much more. It means dealing with clients and being attached at the hip to my crappy blackberry. It means dual monitors at work so I can toggle tasks and using hands free head-sets, so I can pretend to listen while I’m working on 52 other things.  Throw in supporting those in my life via advice, craft making, or gift buying. Then add a side of travel, avoiding pregnancy, fitness challenges, medical maintenance (not aesthetic), game nights, football season,  DVR catch up, hiding from awkwardly nosey neighbors, house hunting, facebook stalking, tweeting, and staying up-to-date on current events. With all that, I still plan dates, remember special occasions, engage in business time (bom chicka wa wa) and Facetime with a special someone!

I think most men would have a heart attack if they had to do all that in a month, let alone in a week or day and still manage relationships.  A sarcastic comment about chewing gum and walking at the same time immediately comes to mind. I believe in you men; this is not trying to diminish the wonderful things you do. It’s just to point out that multitasking and managing the details of a day aren’t a strength which is why we complement each other. We know the male approach is work “smarter not harder”. I feel like a woman’s approach is “work smarter since you already work harder”!   I mean, I personally do it all because I can; why not? You find a way to make it work. If it doesn’t work then you readjust and try again. 

I should be exhausted (sometimes I am) but I love it! I love the action and adventure part of my daily routine. I love making my thoughts reality and seeing my projects finalized (particularly in picture form so I can share with others). Just think what this will expand to once I throw kids in the mix.  I may require a straightjacket or a personal assistant. Either way we all know it will be chic properly adorned straightjacket or the best damn assistant multiple interviews and high standards can buy!

Slightly Related and Very Funny-  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU

Pregnancy Phobic

Babies have been the radio topic two days in a row, so that was on my brain this morning. Babies are cute and adorable, until they aren’t.  I love kids and one day hope to have a few Rugats of my own (preferably not animated). But babies aren’t brought to you by teleport or stork they come straight from your stomach or uterus which ever you want to believe. The topic for discussion today is more focused on pregnancy. The nine letter word of doom as I refer to it!  Before I get too far into this, I am not pregnant (nor have I ever been); my birth control hasn’t failed me yet and for that I thank science.

I know pregnancy is an act that brings you the gift of life. Sure but it also brings you the gift of weight gain and crazy hormones. I’m looking forward to it like I look forward to pap smears or basketball season.  It’s a means to an end; a necessary activity that gets me to another goal; an uncomfortable fact of life. I know some women love being pregnant but I imagine that’s because movies and books over glamorize it.  My theory is it really isn’t all that fun. I have learned in my years working with pregnant women that it’s hot, heavy, uncomfortable, and more like an alien abduction than the baking of a cupcake (bun in the oven my ass).

The radio was doing a segment about young mothers, but these days a young mother is the rule not the exception.  Teenagers having babies (thanks Teen Mom 2 and 16 & Pregnant), sure it sucks because you miss prom and can’t go to college, but you can be a reality star so there is a tradeoff. Let’s be real, it probably sucks for other reasons, especially for those of us that are actually old enough to drive a car.  Aside from the multiple pregnancy-related complications that can occur, there are some serious things to consider when pregnant that people don’t talk about!  I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t share some of the concerns I have for the day when I’m classified as a breeder.  Here are the side effects of pregnancy that worry me:

Excessive Doctors’ Visits- sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room for hours is not an effective use of my time (pregnant or not). Then add needles and hands up my who-ha and that just makes me unhappy. My guess is I also have to pay co-pays for all these extra visits. I see what is happening here…

Gas /bloating with a side of Constipation – isn’t it enough to carry a baby but now I might have excessive gas and problems dropping a deuce!!!! How cruel and unfair is this process! Having a shitty day will have a very different meaning.

Hemorrhoids- it’s bad enough if you have to buy a pregnancy test but to make a lady buy hemorrhoid cream too is just unjust! Plus if you have to sit all day because of the extra weight or working an office job that is just uncomfortable.

Hormonal Uproar – some may say that I’m already an aggressive black woman. But I work hard to avoid Diary of a Mad Black Woman status! I don’t need hormonal imbalances ruining all my hard work. I’m always one thought away from being mean and several plots away from being a maniacal murdering genius. With hormones out of whack who knows what I might be capable of (friends don’t ask questions if you see me with a shove). I know a man that is concerned about that and I’m sure it worries many men in pregnancy situations.  Pregnancy crazy is right up there with serial killer crazy so proceed with caution.

Morning Sickness- first of all this does not just occur in the morning as the title implies. So aside from the false advertising, nausea and vomiting consistently are super annoying. There is never a good reason to throw-up unless you have been poisoned.

New wardrobe – some might think shopping is fun. Pregnant shopping I can assure you is not fun! I have worked maternity retail and I never met a happy pregnant woman buying clothes. New sizes, new terminology, new techniques (clips, extenders, belly bands). It’s a whole new world out there and it all makes you feel like a beached whale!

No alcohol – the hardest pill to swallow is the no alcohol.  This is some sort of conspiracy because you know as soon as you get pregnant everybody and their mama is going to have a party and forcible remind you what you are missing out on.  I have done it to people – poured salt in the “you can’t drink” wound! I know karma will catch up with me so I’m just going to drink as much as I can now. It’s like giving up alcohol for Lent; we all regret it but this last for 9 months so it sucks more! Why can’t they just set up an alcohol IV drip post baby?!  Sneak wine into the hospital so I know it’s real…

No sushi or deli meat - dietary restrictions are going to be hard for me! I know there are bacterial risks with certain foods. But really no sushi? That’s cruel and unusual. Sushi is one of my food groups; my other food group is deli sandwiches. I will starve to death without those items. So I have to starve so my baby can live? Logic I see none.

Pregnancy Brain - This is no myth, in the first and third trimester, women can actually suffer from short-term memory loss and forgetfulness. I already have a bad memory so my worry is this will be exponential worse for me. Pregnancy Alzheimer’s means you will have to point me in the right direction and hope for the best.   

Sleeplessness - um sleep is right up there with sex and eating as the most important activity in life. Don’t take that away from me (ever).  Having an infant is already sleep depriving but what you’re telling me is that I have to suffer before the baby even gets here! This seems wrong and I want to protest!

Soreness - they say your boobs get bigger which I’m all for but they can also get sore and that is a negative. What’s the point of these awesome big boobs if they hurt?! Boo to Boobs!

Swollen extremities (edema) - hands, feet, and face swelling is funny looking and awkward.  I want to be able to wear my shoes and a regular pair of gloves in the winter. Swelling should be reserved for broken bones and plastic surgery.  It should not be a side effect of pregnancy. My belly swells that is enough and I have it on good authority that it doesn’t shrink once the baby comes out (you actually have to exercise to get rid of the stomach)! CURSES!!!!!

Family Stress – this side effect occurs from external sources, mainly grandparents and other close relatives. You can no longer avoid family functions or prevent people from knowing your address because there is now a baby involved. People who love the creature syphoning off your nutrients start providing advice, throwing parties, and rubbing your belly.  Let’s look but don’t touch people and in lieu of sending 1000 crazy outfits just send gift cards and money (stuff people can use).

I haven’t even scratched the surface. We could talk about peer jealousy or group thought, activity involvement, and the side effects on the wallet but I think you all get my point. Pregnancy is serious business and shouldn’t be entered into lightly.  I’m not sure how 16 year olds do it because the 29 year old me is terrified! To all my pregnant friends I salute your strength, resolve, and psychosis. I have a diaper cake with your name on it! Remember if celebrities can do it, so can you (minus the nannies and money of course)! Go you, push that alien out. Claim back your body when it turns 2 and then consider doing it again. I will live vicariously through you!