The last few weeks I have been fending off the unwanted attention of a janitor at my office. Jesus be a fence, seriously I need a privacy fence and secure perimeter established! Sir you are older than my dad with a wife, just stop! I will never be in the "date men 20-30 years older than me" category and have been forced to remind folks of that more so this year. I started thinking about the awkwardness of older people behaving badly (I'm talking to you Fred Willard). 2012 is apparently the year of the old man! They are getting it in all across America! I would add it is also the year of the cougar, as I have heard some hilarious stories from a certain banker I know that is the equivalent of old lady kryptonite (or bengay may be more appropriate).
I find myself wondering…Does being in the 65+ age bracket give you license to misbehave? Do we earn the right to act out with age? In a simple answer, I certainly hope so otherwise getting old will be a tragedy of epic proportions. I normally get enjoyment from watching older people interact in social settings; they say, do, dress, and act however they want. In childhood this is expected but why is it ok in old age, shouldn’t you know better by then? My theory is that once you hit 65+ certain issues become irrelevant; including your concern for societal standards. You just don’t give a shit about certain things including manners and presentation. I think being old brings confidence and comfort with one’s self that allows you to overlook societal rules, standards and pressures; essentially you have no fear!
I’m here to shed light on the benefits of getting old. Here are some things you are approved to do once you hit 65+ (Benefits of being old):
· Being a cougar or TomCat (what do you call an older male besides a creeper?)
· Being released first in hostage situations
· Dollar Store shopping sprees
· Enrolling in colleges/universities without exams/ or qualifying test (plus discounted rates)
· Farting and burping in public
· Having people tend to you and your chores
· In any emergency you are classified as needing special consideration and priority care
· Jail perks (reduced sentences b/c you are close to dying and nobody messes with the old person in the yard)
· Kick ass canes (trip people all day, everyday)
· Making it rain with retirement checks and Social Security payouts
· Medicare (on top of your already rocking benefits if you have them)
· Not needing teeth
· Questioning strangers (i.e. grocery store purchases and whereabouts)
· Retirement (if you’re lucky)
· Smoking weed in a pipe or cigar outside on your front porch (hell you might actually have glaucoma)
· Unlimited access to mothballs
· Unprotected sex (STD rates among the elderly are insane please wrap it up older peeps)
· Using senior citizen discounts
· Using the bathroom on yourself (adult diapers mean you never have to stop what you’re doing to find a restroom)
· Using the phrases like whipper-snappers; jezebels; for Pete’s sake; shake a leg (or tail feather) and many more
· Wearing pantyhose with all outfits (women and certain men only)
· Wearing short-sleeve dress shirts with a tie
· Wheel Chair escort through airports
· You can wear Pajamas as regular clothes
Our society for the most part fears aging. But it is more than the deterioration of your body that pharmaceutical companies are making a fortune convincing you it is! Embrace the splendor that comes with aging, besides you can’t stop the inevitable. We underestimate the elderly and often as younger generations dread being classified in that category. I say don’t and the next time an old person does something elderly, teach them to fist bump and give them the props they deserve! Then ask what it’s like because knowledge is power future old folks!
If anybody has some free time I recommend watching Off Their Rockers! This is the elderly version of punked hosted by Betty White and its Hilarious!!!!
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