Babies have been the radio topic two days in a row, so that was on my brain this morning. Babies are cute and adorable, until they aren’t. I love kids and one day hope to have a few Rugats of my own (preferably not animated). But babies aren’t brought to you by teleport or stork they come straight from your stomach or uterus which ever you want to believe. The topic for discussion today is more focused on pregnancy. The nine letter word of doom as I refer to it! Before I get too far into this, I am not pregnant (nor have I ever been); my birth control hasn’t failed me yet and for that I thank science.
I know pregnancy is an act that brings you the gift of life. Sure but it also brings you the gift of weight gain and crazy hormones. I’m looking forward to it like I look forward to pap smears or basketball season. It’s a means to an end; a necessary activity that gets me to another goal; an uncomfortable fact of life. I know some women love being pregnant but I imagine that’s because movies and books over glamorize it. My theory is it really isn’t all that fun. I have learned in my years working with pregnant women that it’s hot, heavy, uncomfortable, and more like an alien abduction than the baking of a cupcake (bun in the oven my ass).
The radio was doing a segment about young mothers, but these days a young mother is the rule not the exception. Teenagers having babies (thanks Teen Mom 2 and 16 & Pregnant), sure it sucks because you miss prom and can’t go to college, but you can be a reality star so there is a tradeoff. Let’s be real, it probably sucks for other reasons, especially for those of us that are actually old enough to drive a car. Aside from the multiple pregnancy-related complications that can occur, there are some serious things to consider when pregnant that people don’t talk about! I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t share some of the concerns I have for the day when I’m classified as a breeder. Here are the side effects of pregnancy that worry me:
I know pregnancy is an act that brings you the gift of life. Sure but it also brings you the gift of weight gain and crazy hormones. I’m looking forward to it like I look forward to pap smears or basketball season. It’s a means to an end; a necessary activity that gets me to another goal; an uncomfortable fact of life. I know some women love being pregnant but I imagine that’s because movies and books over glamorize it. My theory is it really isn’t all that fun. I have learned in my years working with pregnant women that it’s hot, heavy, uncomfortable, and more like an alien abduction than the baking of a cupcake (bun in the oven my ass).
The radio was doing a segment about young mothers, but these days a young mother is the rule not the exception. Teenagers having babies (thanks Teen Mom 2 and 16 & Pregnant), sure it sucks because you miss prom and can’t go to college, but you can be a reality star so there is a tradeoff. Let’s be real, it probably sucks for other reasons, especially for those of us that are actually old enough to drive a car. Aside from the multiple pregnancy-related complications that can occur, there are some serious things to consider when pregnant that people don’t talk about! I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t share some of the concerns I have for the day when I’m classified as a breeder. Here are the side effects of pregnancy that worry me:
Excessive Doctors’ Visits- sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room for hours is not an effective use of my time (pregnant or not). Then add needles and hands up my who-ha and that just makes me unhappy. My guess is I also have to pay co-pays for all these extra visits. I see what is happening here…
Gas /bloating with a side of Constipation – isn’t it enough to carry a baby but now I might have excessive gas and problems dropping a deuce!!!! How cruel and unfair is this process! Having a shitty day will have a very different meaning.
Hemorrhoids- it’s bad enough if you have to buy a pregnancy test but to make a lady buy hemorrhoid cream too is just unjust! Plus if you have to sit all day because of the extra weight or working an office job that is just uncomfortable.
Hormonal Uproar – some may say that I’m already an aggressive black woman. But I work hard to avoid Diary of a Mad Black Woman status! I don’t need hormonal imbalances ruining all my hard work. I’m always one thought away from being mean and several plots away from being a maniacal murdering genius. With hormones out of whack who knows what I might be capable of (friends don’t ask questions if you see me with a shove). I know a man that is concerned about that and I’m sure it worries many men in pregnancy situations. Pregnancy crazy is right up there with serial killer crazy so proceed with caution.
Morning Sickness- first of all this does not just occur in the morning as the title implies. So aside from the false advertising, nausea and vomiting consistently are super annoying. There is never a good reason to throw-up unless you have been poisoned.
New wardrobe – some might think shopping is fun. Pregnant shopping I can assure you is not fun! I have worked maternity retail and I never met a happy pregnant woman buying clothes. New sizes, new terminology, new techniques (clips, extenders, belly bands). It’s a whole new world out there and it all makes you feel like a beached whale!
No alcohol – the hardest pill to swallow is the no alcohol. This is some sort of conspiracy because you know as soon as you get pregnant everybody and their mama is going to have a party and forcible remind you what you are missing out on. I have done it to people – poured salt in the “you can’t drink” wound! I know karma will catch up with me so I’m just going to drink as much as I can now. It’s like giving up alcohol for Lent; we all regret it but this last for 9 months so it sucks more! Why can’t they just set up an alcohol IV drip post baby?! Sneak wine into the hospital so I know it’s real…
No sushi or deli meat - dietary restrictions are going to be hard for me! I know there are bacterial risks with certain foods. But really no sushi? That’s cruel and unusual. Sushi is one of my food groups; my other food group is deli sandwiches. I will starve to death without those items. So I have to starve so my baby can live? Logic I see none.
Pregnancy Brain - This is no myth, in the first and third trimester, women can actually suffer from short-term memory loss and forgetfulness. I already have a bad memory so my worry is this will be exponential worse for me. Pregnancy Alzheimer’s means you will have to point me in the right direction and hope for the best.
Sleeplessness - um sleep is right up there with sex and eating as the most important activity in life. Don’t take that away from me (ever). Having an infant is already sleep depriving but what you’re telling me is that I have to suffer before the baby even gets here! This seems wrong and I want to protest!
Soreness - they say your boobs get bigger which I’m all for but they can also get sore and that is a negative. What’s the point of these awesome big boobs if they hurt?! Boo to Boobs!
Swollen extremities (edema) - hands, feet, and face swelling is funny looking and awkward. I want to be able to wear my shoes and a regular pair of gloves in the winter. Swelling should be reserved for broken bones and plastic surgery. It should not be a side effect of pregnancy. My belly swells that is enough and I have it on good authority that it doesn’t shrink once the baby comes out (you actually have to exercise to get rid of the stomach)! CURSES!!!!!
Family Stress – this side effect occurs from external sources, mainly grandparents and other close relatives. You can no longer avoid family functions or prevent people from knowing your address because there is now a baby involved. People who love the creature syphoning off your nutrients start providing advice, throwing parties, and rubbing your belly. Let’s look but don’t touch people and in lieu of sending 1000 crazy outfits just send gift cards and money (stuff people can use).
I haven’t even scratched the surface. We could talk about peer jealousy or group thought, activity involvement, and the side effects on the wallet but I think you all get my point. Pregnancy is serious business and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. I’m not sure how 16 year olds do it because the 29 year old me is terrified! To all my pregnant friends I salute your strength, resolve, and psychosis. I have a diaper cake with your name on it! Remember if celebrities can do it, so can you (minus the nannies and money of course)! Go you, push that alien out. Claim back your body when it turns 2 and then consider doing it again. I will live vicariously through you!
I haven’t even scratched the surface. We could talk about peer jealousy or group thought, activity involvement, and the side effects on the wallet but I think you all get my point. Pregnancy is serious business and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. I’m not sure how 16 year olds do it because the 29 year old me is terrified! To all my pregnant friends I salute your strength, resolve, and psychosis. I have a diaper cake with your name on it! Remember if celebrities can do it, so can you (minus the nannies and money of course)! Go you, push that alien out. Claim back your body when it turns 2 and then consider doing it again. I will live vicariously through you!
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