This blog is not bashing the male species it defines chivalry as I see it!
I want to go on record and say that I love men. I appreciate the idiosyncrasies that make them so special. The personas, the need to protect, the phallic competition, the avoidance of feelings and annoyance with impracticality; all of it entertains and intrigues me. Sure they can be frustrating but we all can be that way. Sure they can be oblivious to their surrounding but hey that’s me after a few glasses of wine. We too often blame the entire species for the misgivings of a select few.
With that said there is an issue weighing heavy on my mind today and it’s the concept of chivalry. My friend was talking to me last night about men and the lack of chivalry. She believes its dead and gone, I disagree! I think it is thriving but like so many other things in this society is dependent upon services rendered.
I will start by saying that chivalry is a term I often use interchangeably with accountability or obligation. The definition according to dictionary.com is the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
Knightly behavior has been sensationalized and converted into unrealistic romantic fantasies. Knights were uniformed savages, warriors, pillagers; my guess is not too many of them were nice (so why would I expect my man to be knightly). Gentleman like behavior is what I would equate it to or some sort of male code of ethics associated with generosity and valor. Opening car doors is nice but is it chivalrous? Calling me back when I call you is appropriate but not chivalrous. Pumping my gas saves me from smelling like a diesel tanker but is it chivalrous? Taking out the trash is helpful but is it chivalrous? I argue no and not just because they are things I would do weather a man was there or not, and because those tasks don’t meet the definition of the word in my opinion. But it is gentleman like to do all of those things and I salute the gentlemen in the world.
I think the expectation of Chivalry today is centered on concepts related to personal responsibility… I think many men (not all) are just comfortable not being responsible or accountable for anything. Not pulling their weight, not paying for meals, not being dependable, not being trustworthy and so much more. A knight is a person granted an honorary title for service. Where is the service? Fellas some of your kin folk are just too comfortable being dependent on the “chivalry” and service of women which is not gentlemen like at all. I have come across too many men recently that think just because they open doors that means they are good men. Sure you opened my door but then you didn’t pay your half of the rent. Thanks you asked me to move in with you but then you quit your job. Great you drove us to the restaurant but then you wanted me to pay for your steak dinner. Say word, you pumped my gas but then you drove my car to work for a week and left it on empty.
Where is the service? Where is the courtesy? Where is the responsibility for your own actions? Where are the gentlemen?
I think more people not just men need to be more responsible. Your actions impact others. Your gestures have meaning. Your words have purpose. I feel like Gentlemen are aware of that which is why they can be chivalrous.
Chivalry is something that occurs over time, much like trust and respect. It is a reoccurring trait of a gentleman. One act of chivalry doesn’t make you chivalrous. Does cooking one meal so you have something to eat make you a chef? Does posting a Youtube video make you a video producer? Does singing in your shower make you a top recording artist? Does cleaning one paper cut make you a doctor? Does snorkeling make you a fish? Hell no! There are things you do because they are right and there are things you do for chivalry.
I once dated a guy that wanted reward and acknowledgement for doing the things that were right. I would say no; “why am I giving you praise for doing the things that are expected, that’s like rewarding you for breathing”. This angered him! He felt like he was chivalrous and I wasn’t acknowledging it, not giving credit where it was due. But chivalry is not the expectation for me but some things he associated with it were my personal standards in a relationship. Example: he would say well I don’t hit you or cheat on you so I am a good man and I deserve credit for that. My argument for that was- “that is the standard”! You shouldn’t hit or cheat on those you love. Some people do but those are people living below the standard (shame on you heathens). That doesn’t make you chivalrous it makes you a regular adult and if you need motivation and reward to do those things then we have a problem! My ultimate point was don’t lower your bar to meet their expectations for a healthy relationship, raise your bar to meet my standard of expectation for a good relationship. Hell, raise your own bar; treat people how you want to be treated kind sir.
Chivalry is above the standard! Not everybody was a knight it was an honor, so doing honorable things above the normal is chivalry to me. I also think chivalry is situationally dependent on your relationship; it requires you to know your partner so you can do things that are courtesy and generous for them.
Here are some examples of chivalry in my opinion:
· Escorting me to my car is important when thwarting off unsavory attacks and yes in Atlanta I would consider that an act of valor.
· Knowing I am an overly scheduled professional and checking my calendar then planning a date night that only requires me to show up, that is an act of courtesy.
· Bringing me flowers because I am having a bad day
· Asking my parents’ (i.e. my dad) permission to marry me
· Bowling over a 290 (I need a strong partner)
· Washing my hair (I hate doing it, pretty please, I won’t think less of you because of it and nobody has to know)
· Changing my flat tire despite me having AAA (thanks for saving me a towing fee love)
· Letting me pick the playlist for a road trip
I know this was an argument of semantics but it’s what I was thinking. I am searching for a gentleman and maybe I will find one but for now, to all those men whose standard is to be a gentleman (opening doors, pulling out chairs, properly introducing your woman in social settings, walking on the outside of the street, being polite, escorting women to cars etc.) I say thank you! To the men teaching chivalry to younger generations, I say thank you! And to the future man that will be my personal knight I say call me (what’s taking you so long?), please and thank you!
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