What to Expect when you are NOT expecting

What to Expect when you are NOT expecting (the UNexpecting woman’s guide to navigating pregnancy and babies). Some lessons learned that may help you prepare...

1.       Baby Shower Gifts Galore (For Other People) – you are at the age where everyone is popping out “mini-mes” which means endless baby showers and children’s birthday parties (where they often frown upon serving real liquor).  How is this experience rewarded, with cheesy baby games, high calorie cake, and gifts that you must supply!  Babies R’ US is an overpriced retailer that prays on the UNexpecting woman’s wallet.   Thank you gift registries for making my life miserable, as I am the only one that uses you properly so 4 other people still buy the gift I took time to search for and wrap.  Thank you Babies R’ Us for selling everything at what seems like a  25% mark-up from what it is priced at target, but that is where these breeders decided to register . 
TIP: BYOB stands for bring your own baby bottle full of vodka if you have to suffer through it you might as well have alcohol.

2.       Photo Presentation Plethora – if you are classified as UNexpecting it is likely you have parents in your life that want you to join them on the darkside.  How do they try to convince you; with the classic “Don’t you wish” photo montage of course. The parade of photos from bathtub cute to baby eats his/her own toes will take place whenever groups of 3 or more gather in social delight. Thanks to the iPhone they can be cleaver and put them in a collage and turn them into videos with a soundtrack. Thanks to Facebook and twitter they can clog your timeline and suck you into a web of deception about the joys of parenting.  Now any routine social gathering becomes an opportunity for parents to share anecdotes and “super cute” baby pics in an effort to compel you to procreate.  Beware of the “wouldn’t it be great if our kids could play together” conversation.  Don’t believe the hype you live inside the perimeter and they clearly live in Duluth and for the sake of pure logic your kids will never play together it’s just too far! Sure your kid is cute; sure they do cute things all the time but guess what? After one picture I get the point ( I have a pretty good imagination for an adult) I clearly understand where and how the frame by frame stills of your kid eating spaghetti in a high chair will end! WE get it! And yes everybody loves a great cute kid video every now and again but not every moment is sharing time.  Yes some people keep baby photo albums in their car or purse. Yes you have to endure until someone comes and saves the conversation with a drunken one-night stand story.
TIP: Keep naked pictures of men or women on your phone then claim you are going to show pictures of your pet and accidentally click on the wrong image…people tend to judge you heavily at that point and assume you are too sexually active and immature to have babies!

3.       Biological Clock Watching – as an UNexpecting, what you don’t know is everybody is watching your biological clock tick. It is bad enough you have to hear it tick-tocking away but people feel the need to comment on it the older you get.  Are you Pregnant?  is always a great question that reminds you those fat jeans serve a purpose.  No I’m not pregnant; I just ate too many chicken nachos! First it’s your parents and family; when are you going to get married and have some kids, you’re only getting older.  Then it is your friends with kids; I am so glad I had my kids young, I can’t imagine starting this when I was older. Then its society; Jersey shore stars having babies at 24, research saying the older you get the more difficult pregnancy can be, celebrity baby births and adoptions making CNN headlines.  In what world is that news??!?  The point is yes you know you’re getting older; hell you celebrate it every year on your BIRTHDAY! You feel it every day as your body changes and yes you can hear your own clock (if you have one).  You don’t need the constant reminder that you don’t have kids yet but you can’t avoid it. Just remember to each in their own time, smile and feel free to hit snooze on that clock as many times as you want.   
TIP:  Tell people a watched pot doesn’t boil and then when they look at you with confusions say I am still enjoying travel and developing my career too much right now to focus on kids.

4.       Gynecological History – this is your public service announcement. Just because you aren’t expecting doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be seeing a gynecologist on a regular basis and having pap-smears, STD tests, breast exams and other medical assessments.  Take care of yourself and your who-ha because one day you may be expecting and you are going to need that lady part to be working properly.  But as a UNexepecting you may occasionally be asked to participate in doctors’ visits or attend the birth.  Be warned: that can be overwhelming and you may be caught off guard if you don’t do your research.  Start with the Miracle of Life video http://video.pbs.org/video/1841157252/ it can be a helpful synopsis about pregnancy and birth.  If you want a longer version in more detail check Life’s Greatest Miracle (be sure to have wine on hand it helps).

5.       Lifestyle Assessment: Footloose and Fancy Free – One of the many benefits to being an UNexpecting woman is you can craft a lifestyle that fits your needs.  Are you a coffee drinker? Then have 5 cups a day and do whatever you want, get Starbucks wasted. Do you enjoy social or recreational drinking? Well guess what you can continue to do so. Love being a microwave ninja and standing in front of it while it counts down just so you can avoid the beep.  The great thing about being an UNexpecting is you can do whatever you like! No worries about harming your unborn fetus. No limits of travel. No fears or concerns for the lives of your spawn.  Eat sushi and deli meat, exercise or not, have sex in every position you can at any time of day you deem appropriate.  Be FREEEEEEEEEEEE! The only thing you have to be mindful of is that your friends that are parents do occasionally want to live vicariously through you but probably enjoy their family life so don’t over-share.  Be respectful of people’s lifestyle choices (kids or kid free) and then talk about them when they aren’t around!  Hey they do it to you!

My views and affiliations in no way reflect an anti-parent sentiment or a dislike for children.   I love kids and have taken care of many throughout the years. I look forward to having my own and will continue to like, comment, and say how cute all of your kids are on any social media outlet you post them to. I also realize that all views are subject to change once I have kids but until then I am just single and childless in America, don’t freak out! LOL

PS: Yes I know UNexpecting is not a word!!!