Viva la Revolucion

This morning my mind feels like swiss cheese (a side effect of migraine medication). I have been having significantly more migraines than normal and my guess is my body is plotting some sort of uprising. I promised you more blog structure than yesterday so here goes... This morning’s blog will focus on rebellions and revolutions in honor of my impending demise!Those of us that went to public school are probably not as familiar with uprisings and revolutions mainly because in our day history was often taught by a football coach with no real knowledge of the subject (hey you get what you pay for). But as a lover of knowledge and someone that received an A+ in her college history classes, I was interested in some of history’s great revolutions. I’m going to breakdown some of my favorites:

American Revolution (1763 – 1776 and beyond) – after the Seven Years War ended, Britain decided to get greedy and increase taxes on North American Colonies, flexing their authoritative muscle with new laws. We all know Americans hate taxes so some guys got together and decided to elect official representatives and fight for their right to make their own illegitimate laws and self-imposed rights.  So 13 colonies banded together, mobilized militias, and went to war!   Ah can you smell the American enlightenment? Well it stretched across decades eventually giving birth to the United States and some classic historical moments. Think about it people republicanism was born during this time!  Common Sense was written, the phrase “No taxation without Representation” was uttered from the mouths of babes. You have the Boston Tea Party, which had to smell some kind of way (tea + dirty water = stink), the American Revolutionary War and the Declaration of Independence (which really only applied to white males)!  Such an important time in history and all I can think is I’m glad I wasn’t there, let’s be real the average life expectancy was like 35 years old, throw in the fact I’m a black female and you can cut that down to like 22. I probably would already be dead from child birth or smallpox. But a fascinating era just the same!

Greek Revolution against the Ottoman Empire (1821-1829) – the Greeks history has always fascinated me because of their rich ideologies. So the Greek War of Independence is definitely on my list. We know the Byzantine Empire fell to the Ottomans in 1453 but after centuries of Ottoman rule the Greeks declared no more, out damn Turks…get out! There were many failed attempts but eventually the underdog did it with the help of the British, French, and Russians.  A civilization so rich with intellectuals and humanists was being stifled and wanted the right to be influenced by other super powers. I lived in Turkey for a short while so this intrigues me on multiple levels.  I have also traveled to Greece and seen the aftermath from ancient Greek worship to reconstructionism to modern day freedoms. Does anybody know how to get to Constantinople (I do)!

French Revolution (1789 – 1799) – As a Catholic and a thrice removed French national this is kind of my history.  It’s only right that I include such an impactful era of political and social upheaval on my list. We can all appreciate resistance against monarchy, aristocracy, and religious authority! King Louis XVI or Marie Antoinette were infamous poor decision makers, their love for power and sense of entitlement ultimately created discontent in the impoverished and underserved! We want equality and we want it now!  And the French got it by marching on Versailles, storming Bastille and instituting the Reign of Terror! The French did revolution the bloody way with extreme violence and guillotines! So kudos to you Maximilien Robespierre your death was not in vain!  You forged the way so little people like Napoleon could start wars and Hugh Jackman could have work in Les Misérables. Without this Revolution I wouldn’t have learned that stealing bread gets you 20 to life or that the French were so musically talented!

Glorious Revolution (1688) - I love it when Kings are overthrown; so King James II (of England) welcome to my list of revolutions. This not so “Bloodless Revolution” permanently ended any chance of Catholicism becoming re-established in England. Sorry British Catholics, welcome to being social and political pariah. Ushering in change, the Glorious Revolution led to the beginning of modern English parliamentary democracy! Shaping a country that has brought us many great things including everything Royal Family, Dr. Who (syfy nerd for life), the English Bill of Rights, the original William and Mary (dynamic duo of Protestant rule), and the Tudors (one of my favorite tv shows not at all directly related to the Glorious Revolution).

Bacon's Rebellion (aka Virginia Rebellion of 1676) –this is obviously on the list because Bacon is in the title.  Noted as the first rebellion in the American colonies, this was an uprising in Virginia, led by a planter by the name of Nathaniel Bacon! Back when Virginia was the place to be they had a Native American problem. This was likely caused by the fact that they stole land from these original inhabitants but that is neither here nor there! 1000 Virginians rose up in arms against the rule of Governor William Berkeley because he refused to retaliate for a series of Indian attacks on frontier settlements. Enter Bacon, not just a tasty breakfast treat and you have conflict and a historical uprising. What resulted was the return of the governor to England! Virginians were unable to drive out all the Native Americans living on the land they were stealing but they did set precedent for political change! Thus begins my appreciation for bacon and solidified love of irony; VA is not for Lovers it’s for hate mongers and radicals.

I purposely didn’t include the Civil Rights movements or the Women’s rights movements because those histories are still being written; uprisings are still occurring in those revolutions so I will save that for history teachers in the next century to discuss.   I hope you have enjoyed this random history lesson!  You can thank Political Science, AP US History, AM History to 1865, and American Government for this trip down memory lane.  Happy Thursday!

Wise Owl?

Is it budget cuts or technological error, either way the office phones aren’t working? Whatever the cause, I now have some unexpected downtime to blog about my morning thoughts.  This is a typical Wednesday. I’m in an unauthorized holding pattern waiting for news of my weekend travel. I may be going on a road trip with my dad to New Orleans on Friday. He just called to tell me we still don’t know what we already didn’t know. As you can see there is a lot of ambiguity!

I also just learned a little chemistry, i.e. what chemical bonds are via a YouTube dog video! Science can be cute really: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_M9khs87xQ8 

Aside from the general prioritization of my day and planning my potential time out of the office, I have a lot of other absolutely random things on my mind:

·         I’m excited to decorate my Christmas tree in 17 days!!! December 1^st can’t come soon enough. I just can’t believe it’s almost Christmas!!!

·         Do I have enough gas to make it to KBs, my parents, and work from now until Friday?

·         If someone you don’t know grabs your behind while you are standing in line for a movie what do you do? SVU has taught me it’s inappropriate to stab perverse people in the throat, so then what? I had a dream about so it’s on my mind…

·         Really its 2012 are we talking about secession? These 30 states talking crazy see if you make it on your own.  This is why Europeans think Americans are foolish! Secession isn’t American just because it happened in our history. If that is the case then slavery is American and hurricanes are American. Besides it’s not like the USA cheated on you with China. Go live in a third world country then come back and tell me that having a Black president is the worst thing that could happen…

·         When are the activists going to get upset that the Muppet master for Elmo is gay? We all know it’s coming.  Despite the allegations of sex with a minor being dropped (silence is profitable) I’m sure they overly concerned parent Nazis out there are going to have a problem with Elmo’s infatuation with men.  If you can’t make the charges stick lets crucify his sexual orientation it’s Americans like secession. Leave that man alone (unless he is a child molester which is bad);  who else could pretend to be a giant red 3 year old for 10 years and not be a little different.

·         How are craisins made? Inquiring minds want to know. More importantly why doesn’t Office 2010 recognize that as a real word?

·         Where have all the cowboys gone? Are they in Canada since we once again have a black president?

·         How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop for an aardvark?

·         Why is it you always want Chick-fil-A on Sunday even if you are like me and don’t even like chicken sandwiches? And why isn’t their mascot a chicken that says "eat me"!!!!

·         Why does my knee hurt? I haven’t bumped into anything today or yesterday.  Does it need WD-40? Does that even work on human joints?

·         Who stole the Cookie from the cookie Jar? If it wasn’t me and not you, than who?  

·         At some point I’m going to get back in the gym!

I’m not a wise owl but I am a thoughtful lady! Thanks all for now folks. I promise to try to have some more structure tomorrow.  Happy Hump Day!

Starburst - Sweet Treat

I was happy to celebrate Veterans Day yesterday by thanking those that have served in the military including my dad, uncle, and cousin. In true fashion, I honored them by having a 3-day weekend. I didn’t want it to end but unfortunately it has and I’m back to being a member of the workforce.

A lot transpired this weekend, too much for me to recap but some events have contributed to me thinking more globally today. I started with the customary am I living my life to the fullest? What will happen when I depart this earth, will the legacy I leave behind be worthy of acknowledgement? What will I be handing to the next generation that signifies my morals, character, beliefs? What will be the mark I leave behind? At the current moment nothing really comes to mind other than Starburst (yes the candy). 

NO, I did not invent the candy goodness but as a concept it’s what I hope to be. Follow along folks…

Sure I’m flavorful, classic, neatly packaged and sustaining through time, but I like to classify myself as a contradiction. Starburst candy is marketed as a “juicy contradiction”. I think contradiction can be good when you aren’t debating or running for office.  I try not to live by the standard societal definitions used to catalogue people. I try to set my own criteria and strive to be my contradictory self.  For example:

·         I’m African American female but I listen to country music, hate hot sauce, dislike fried chicken (just the fried parts), have no Ass at all, I prefer not to roll my neck when arguing, and I fight with my earrings on (who has time to remove those, seriously). I have also never been arrested and have never appeared on a reality tv show (YouTube doesn’t count).

·         I’m from the country; by most standards being born in Mississippi puts me at all kinds of disadvantages but I have a 2 college degrees, don’t live in a trailer, have all of my teeth (minus the wisdoms I had surgically removed),  and don’t hoard livestock. I also blog which people only do above the Mason-Dixon Line depending on where you are in the Bible belt.

·         I’m 29 years old and I’m not married with children and I work a great job with real benefits. I did not go to college to get an MRS and started my own business! I have lived internationally, traveled extensively, and make movies in my spare time; not the Kim Kardashian kind, I have dignity so get your minds out of the gutter people.

I like to think of myself as a contradiction! You can be liberal and have faith, you can oppose stealing but pirate music, you can believe in one God and respect the beliefs of other religions, you can be a law abiding citizen but actively protest speed limits (I have a few tickets), you can hate talking on the phone but love texting, you can love to mop but detest sweeping, and you can be organized but messy at the same damn time. The possibilities of contradiction or endless and I believe it’s what makes us unique. The very things you hate about yourself as a teenager but embrace as an adult; it’s those things that make you a juicy contradiction all your own. The legacy I want to leave is that of my own individuality and how that has shaped the things I leave behind, whether it is people or objects.

Aside from being a candy, a starburst is a pattern of rays radiating from a central point or an intense and sudden episode of star formation in a galaxy.  I like to operate with those goals in mind - -Be a radiating central point of intensity with star quality! It’s less Hollywood and more ball of light impacting the galaxy I live in. I try to be a good friend, a good daughter and sister (niece and cousin too). I also work hard to be a connection point for friends and try to help others shine! Stars shine people, that’s what they are meant to do. There is plenty of room in the universe for all of us to be stars.  I treat the people in my inner circle with care, support and love. My goal is to be a positive source of light and honesty for those around me.  You may not always get that in my tweets (those should not be used to judge me as a person upon my death) but if you know me you know my devotion and capacity for love! Sure that also comes with sarcasm but it’s always in good fun! If you aren’t laughing around me then I haven’t done my job! If you can’t call me when you need me then I’m probably on the other line so just listen to Ain’t No Mountain High Enough (Marvin and Tammi version) then give me a call back. Either way I’m intense, radiating, and burning brightly in the night sky.

I could get even more metaphorical and juxtapose the leaving of the physical body to discarding a candy wrapper or the importance of personal characteristics as related to candy ingredients and the imprinting of memories but I won’t. You just need to know I could have gone there but spared you the extra 2 paragraphs.

All of that to say candy is sweet but people are sweeter and much more complicated!  I just want to leave a piece of myself behind (figuratively, not in the Silence of the Lambs way) in every person I know. I also hope to write a trashy bestselling memoir so people can read about my exploits for years to come. I may not cure cancer or be a millionaire but I hope people can look upon my life and see faith, goodness, humor, joy, compassion, and hard work in every good (and bad) decision I made, in every charitable contribution, in every relationship I valued and in all the important moments from game nights to birthing babies (my own if I can get it together) to cosigning tomfoolery and so much more.

I hope my friends and family enjoy the complicated, random, and often inappropriate memories I try to share and create. I hope that when it’s time for me to leave this earth my loved ones will miss me but carry on knowing my ghost is watching them in the creepiest way possible. 

This blog was way too deep and totally self-involved for a Tuesday, even for me. The ultimate moral of my ramblings is that life is juicier because I’m here! Have a starburst and think of what you want to leave behind.

These streets are all I know… they won’t let go and I can’t turn my back on them! Starburst video for your daily funny: http://starburst.com/#/videos/meanstreets

Career Change (What If Friday)

Happy “Long Weekend because of a Holiday” Friday! Today’s question from If (Questions for the Game of Life) is focused on jobs. For all of you with no plans this Veteran’s Day weekend, perhaps this will give you some food for thought! Get your applications ready...

Question:        If you could work for any corporation for which you don’t currently work, which would you choose?

Being much older and wiser now as an adult, I actually wouldn’t mind working for DreamWorks Animation. Why you ask?  We’ll let me tell you friends, I have a love for animation, production, and all things film. I also need a work environment which allows for creativity, team building, strong relationships, and great pay.  DreamWorks is a smaller company about 2100 employees with a CEO that sends daily emails to staff, creating that interpersonal high quality environment. They pull in over $785 million a year in revenue and salaries can be high; even interns can make up to $21 an hour! Employees rave about the relaxed atmosphere, free food and perks. Aside from the occasional long hours, it would be cool.  Too bad it’s only my second choice.

For those of you familiar with this blog you know I have a slight obsession with Google. So it should be of no surprise that it’s my ideal work place. All Google employees seem to really love their jobs and their work environment. I can’t decide at this time if that is forced propaganda, I mean do they sign some sort of waiver to always praise their employer?  We may never know, but from the outside it looks pretty awesome. Aside from the obvious bragging rights it appears the benefits and pay are legitimately great.  The atmosphere seems ideal and fun, who wouldn’t want that? I desire a work environment that allows us to dress as casually as possible, do fun work, and get paid the most! Google seems like it could provide that. I could work either in New York or California. Some of the known perks include food (fully stocked pantries), bocce ball courts, a bowling alley, and eyebrow shaping. What else does your world of possibilities hold Google? Let me in, hire me, I’m great! I would wash windows at Google if that was the only job I was qualified to do!

Too bad being a super hero doesn’t come associated with a corporation; otherwise I would be an employee of the Justice League.  One would assume their hazard pay is pretty significant.

Who would you work for if you could hand pick?

Challenge No 1: Move

We survived another election year! Pat yourselves on the back, you did it and now we can all go back to discord and debauchery! In the interest of sanity today I will not talk politics but instead focus on neighborhood etiquette. I know I live in an apartment so homeowner's fees are equated to a trash service fee paid in my rent but I have an expectation of behavior for my neighbors, just like my suburban counterparts.I have some neighbors that have absolutely no respect for the fact that I pay rent! 

At what point do I earn the right to egg your door or report you for disorderly conduct. Is it so hard to be considerate in today’s society (I’m talking to you apartment 1011)?!  Who vacuums at 3am, what did you spill marijuana seeds all over your floor? I have never seen my upstairs neighbor to know if he/she does drugs but I know the signs of a pot head.  Anybody that leaves both of their patio doors open in less than 50 degree weather all the time, comes and goes at all hours of the night, and has the elusive nature of a sasquatch, is likely spending time with MaryJane and purchasing property in Colorado.

What I know is this, your loud music, late night cleaning habits, and flea ridden dog are keeping me up at night. If your dog is scratching so loud it makes me think somebody is knocking at my door we officially have 2 problems: 1) is the fact that your large breed dog probably exceeds complex regulations and 2) my interrupted sleep. 

I work hard not to be “THAT” neighbor and it’s difficult when you live in a complex with strippers and college kids. I turn a blind eye to the 3am bbq parties in the parking lot, the new speaker system trial run that is likely to bust an eardrum, the lack of parking because of your revolving door of visitors, the excess animal waste from people never cleaning up after their pets, the guys selling meat out of the back of a truck, the dog that barks at EVERYTHING (all day, every day, on the ledge, in the bathroom, standing on two legs, no dog collar…*kevin hart voice*) or even the fact I’m subjected to soft-core porn just walking to my mailbox! I look past it all!

However, what I apparently can’t look past is the rudeness and lack of consideration of my upstairs neighbor. You leave your trash in front of the door which smells by the way! You walk like a 500lb man and never put your dog on a leash! You slam doors and blast music! I hate to break it to you Cosmo Kramer but you are really annoying!!!  Get a real job already and keep some decent hours you slacker! And if you don’t want to do any of that (which is your right as an American) at least respect those of us who do!

It is bad enough my neighbor across the hall wants to go single white female on my ass, which is hard because I’m black! Always with her weird hovering, awkwardly long conversations and comments on the routine nature of my schedule. Thanks for creeping me out and no I won’t be knocking on your door if I need anything! Apparently, it is just too much to ask for reasonable quiet during sleeping hours!

This must be why people subscribe to Homeowner’s Associations, to enforce standards. Apparently you have to outline what it means to be courteous and appropriate in a rule book to get something done. Only dealing with your neighbors at meetings, legally being able to force proper yard décor, and welcome wagons soudn great! Is this what makes suburgatory appealing? I could use an over scheduled housewife right about now, holding a rule book and threatening sanctions and fines.  I will even take the creepy lady from the Stepford Wives, I’m desperate!!!!

I guess the price you pay for apartment living is that some neighbors suck! I officially need to move, preferably to a house somewhere inside the perimeter with no strippers allowed and a Homeowner’s Association that is anti-garden gnome! Those things are creepy!  

Election Tuesday

As a responsible citizen, this is my official PSA reminding you to get out and vote for your candidate of choice so we can finally put an end to all this election whoopla. I’m tired of hearing about it all and would love to go back to my regularly scheduled fall programming. Many of you super smart people early voted to avoid lines and bad weather. I on the other hand waited until Tuesday so I could experience the joy of voting on the designated day. By “joy” I clearly mean the rain, the confusing lines, and the elderly volunteers! Whatever your preference, I hope you exercised your right to have an impact and be involved in the government machine!  If you are on the fence about voting, I have come up with a few reasons why voting is great (the benefits if you will) that I hope will change your mind!

Stickers- much like going to the doctor when you were a kid, once you vote you get a very fun and not so cool sticker to put on display! Wear it on your chest and shame others into feeling bad about not voting. Use it as a tool of solidarity helping you bond with others! Add it to your collage of keepsakes! Either way it’s a prize you only get for voting!

Time Off – some states (not all) have legislation code that allows you to have designated time off for voting. In Georgia “Employees that give reasonable notice to their employers have two hours to vote in any election for which they are qualified to vote.” There is some fine print about your shift starting after polls open and ending before polls close, but that impacts very few. This means most of you have less time you are required to spend at work on election days! If I could time travel, I would have early voted and still took my two hours on Election Day (I know some of you did that, sneaky devils you).

Mister Roger’s Neighborhood - in the spirit of community, voting give you an opportunity to see and meet your actual neighbors and other individuals in your community. Sharing a polling precinct could mean finding love (match.com with a personal touch), networking with potential clients, or making a new friend. This morning I met a physician and college student. Both were very nice ladies!  Sometimes it’s good to exchange kind words with those in your local community. People watching can also be quite entertaining, especially with the early morning crowd. Besides, the entire experience can make you feel a part of something bigger than yourself; help you bond with people in the Ikea, herding cattle kind of way.

Move the Political Machine – aside from the general fulfilling of your civic duty associated with casting a ballot. Voting helps you become a part of a larger institution of dysfunction knows as democracy. We can’t all be actors on West Wing or Political Animals or Scandal so this is your way to have an impact! Be the change you want to see in the world. Give the Wars on Terror, Drugs, and Morality a reason to exist; don’t let those efforts perish in vain! Besides this is a government of the people, by the people, for the people and I know this because they have made yet another movie about Abraham Lincoln!

Party Like a Congressman – one of the best reasons to vote is the partying. Politicians and regular people alike know how to have a great time (win, lose, or draw).  Elections make a great excuse to get your party on. Some of the most creative and destructive drinking games are born at watch parties. I also have it on authority from the young people that sometimes your voting sticker can get you discounts and free entry into clubs and bars.  You see, being responsible can have benefits. Don’t get too White House wasted this evening.

Foursquare Badge of Honor – if you don’t vote how can you unlock the foursquare “I voted 2012” badge? It’s just un-American to not!

There are so many responsible and appropriate reasons to vote, proving your status as an adult; solidifying your patriotism; and making use of the Voting Rights Act of 1965.  I’m not going to carry on and on with election propaganda because that is what the news is for, I’m just here exercising my free speech as a black woman in America (CNN did a special on it you should check it out sometime).

Happy Tuesday Folks!

Trix are for Kids (What If Friday)

Happy Friday Readers! This is the first Friday in November and we are going to start it off with a question from If (Questions for the Game of Life)! Today we selected a page based on the date (pg# 112) and picked a question at random. Let’s begin, shall we…

Question:        If you were asked what to put in a new breakfast cereal box as a gimmick what would you pick?

This wasn’t an easy question to answer.  Nowadays kids have a high expectation and in this age of technology they are not easy to impress. A mood ring or a crappy action figure wouldn’t really cut it. They have Xboxes and iPads, so cheap parachuting army soldiers won’t do!  I realize I grew up in a different time and because I had a little sister any prize in the cereal box was automatically forfeited. Nevertheless, in my day (yes I went there) we had cereal made of real sugar and no added whole grains! Only the fancy cereals had a toy and I remember when the only prize was the puzzle on the back of the box! These kids today (yes I went there again) have a enough unrealistic expectations and feelings of entitlement, the last thing we need to do is give them a prize just for putting a spoon full of food in their mouth.  But I digress…

I started thinking about the question again and had to ask myself what I would want in a cereal box. A new cell phone or bill money seems unrealistic. Alas I had a grand idea; adult cereals should come with a prize!  Genius!!!! I hate Raisin Bran or Special K but I would eat them if I knew boxes came with an age appropriate prize.  Hell yeah, I would buy a box of bran based cereal if I knew there was an ipod nano, DSW giftcard, a gas card, or a get out of jail (or speeding ticket) free card inside!  Why don’t adults get prizes? We have to buy the cereal, where is our reward? I would even settle for new recipes or office supplies, every little bit helps! Until this happens, I will continue to eat Frosted Flakes and Corn Pops because when you don’t have children those are more respectable to buy in the grocery store. Ever had that moment at check out where you have nothing but single person items (tv dinners, veggies, individual pan pizzas, wine, etc) and then the checkout attendant scans a box of Lucky Charms and gives you the WTF eye? Well, I don’t appreciate your judgment (I mean you Kroger employee) just bag my groceries and don’t ask questions.

I realize kids would have no real appreciation for adult prizes but wouldn’t it be nice? Then I thought, what do today’s kids need in a cereal box? Aside from hand sanitizer and more knowledge, both which are not easy to put in a cereal box, kids today need guidance, love, and common sense.  I can’t shrink those down into a toy so my focus changed to profits. What would be a profitable toy?  One would need something easy and cheap to mass produce but that provides enough incentive for kids to drive cereal sells (i.e. pester their parents to buy)! Ideally you would want something that was a series and built upon itself. Or you could even do like McDonalds Monoply game and have a game board where you collect “characters” or property to win a grand prize.  But nothing really comes to mind that fits the bill. 

WARNING: Choking Hazard, small parts. Not for children under 3 yrs. Adult supervision required. CAUTION: Do not operate (stone will not work) to ·         Endanger or damage life (murderous rampages are not valid wishes) ·         Cause physical or bodily harm to others (without their consent) ·         Sell people to the Circus ·         Unleash Zombies upon the earth ·         Enslave (specifically using mind control or Chuck Norris) ·         Create  hazardous environments The only way to undo a wish is to obtain another stone and wish again. Wishing stones can only be used by family members of the purchasing household. Allow 24-48 hours for wishes to take effect; any wishes related to body function or changes in physical appearance will only last 30 days.  One wish per stone; item itself is not redeemable for cash. Any violation of warnings and regulations will render the stone inoperable. Limited time offer! *Cereal Company is not liable for faulty wishes or injury!

I was stumped until I realized I was limiting myself. The question didn’t indicate that money, age or legalities were an issue. I’m not bound by the rules of physics or reality! So open minded, non-inhibited me decided I would put a real wishing stone in cereal boxes. Valid for one non-violent (non-harmful) wish). Of course this would only be a seasonal prize offered in a 3 month period. Obviously, there would be fine print which kids wouldn’t read but it would go something like this:

  

I didn’t say it was logical but it would be cool. Kids and parents alike would make a lot of bad decisions!  Now you go out and make a few bad decisions, Happy Friday!

Turkey Day is Coming

Post Halloween means you ride the sugar high until you run out of candy and crash. Only the day after Halloween is it ok to eat Sweet tarts and sour patch kids for breakfast and twix and peanut butter cups for lunch. Don’t worry, I have veggies too and between my morning and evening sugar rush I will eat my leafy greens. 

Living in an apartment complex means I can avoid buying candy because trick-or-treaters don’t come my way!  So for now I will live off the candy overflow from those coworkers living in suburgatory! Thank you for your kind and fruitful donations! 
*Remember parents you must inspect candy, taste test if necessary, checking for razor blades and all that I we were told to fear!

Now that Halloween is officially over we can all look forward to that familial nightmare known as Thanksgiving! Decadent eating comes at a price! Aside from the weight gain and clear diversion from diet or exercise plans, one is often subjugated to intense interactions with dysfunctional family members across a 3-5 day period.  Oh its great in the beginning, like most things are! You are excited to see everyone, reminisce, and break bread! Everything is good until that one cousin shows up, or somebody wants to borrow $50, or a spades game is played…and that is when shit gets real! That is when you realize you are going to have to listen to the longest prayer known to man before you eat;  defend your football team from non-believers (I am surrounded by LSU fans); hide your slice of apple pie from greedy vultures; explain your relationship status on Facebook; commit to Christmas parties you don’t want to attend; buy wrapping paper from your little cousins; watch Tyler Perry Movies in horror; and figure out a way to not have to drive your grandma to Duluth after being voluntold by your mother!  

Sure it reminds me to be thankful but some of us don’t need a holiday to remind us we’re blessed! I’m thankful on a daily basis but what I’m not doing daily is hanging out with my crazy family. Nothing can truly prepare you for that! And alcohol doesn’t exactly make family situations better; you know!

Ah, Thanksgiving, the holiday that keeps on giving! A memorable holiday where you get all the juicy family gossip, are transported to the 1980s (or whatever years you were a kid) with the use of a nickname, learn traditions, and remind yourself that you can’t pick your family but they are yours forever!   As I start mentally preparing myself for what is sure to be an eventful gathering I’m going to point out that this year should prove to be fun because it’s my mother’s birthday! She has already informed me she doesn’t want a party or anything (which works out because we weren’t planning one). So in 4 weeks I will be exposed to the endless possibilities of Thanksgiving 2012! Save me…

In preparation, I wanted to share with you some of my Thanksgiving list of Thanks!

1.      Thank you Dad for keeping me lucid during these gatherings your ridiculous comments and underhanded remarks are worth staying awake! Plus you are a turkey carving master and that is worthy of praise! Oh and without you I wouldn’t be able to watch the game upstairs! Thanks!!!!

2.      Thank you government for giving me a day off of work to spend time with my family. Try saying that straight-faced…

3.      Thank you Mr. Real for not making me endure this holiday alone! I know you can’t eat the food but I appreciate your love and support! I would also appreciate you faking sick so we could leave early. You don’t have to commit now, think about it and get back to me!

4.      Thank you to both of my parents for having a home and letting use gather in it! I figured by now you would change the locks and deadbolt the windows but for some reason you keep letting us all back in! So brave, so fearless, I admire that!

5.      Thank you to my Grandmother (both of them) for being the matriarchs of my family and for calling each other when I’m around , it saves me daytime usage and for that I am grateful!  Both of you are sassy, intelligent women and spending time with you is an education in the fine arts of sarcasm! Grandma M Thanks for asking me to come pick you up, even though you live like 21.6miles from my house and another 21.4 miles out of the way!  Who needs gas when you have grandmas?

6.      Thank you to my mom for being the ultimate control freak and not letting me cook more than a pasta dish yet again!  I appreciate you denying my offer to cook a full Thanksgiving meal because you fear I can’t cook (even though you taught me how).  It’s cool, I really don’t mind just making pasta, it’s cheap and easy and requires no effort on my part! For the record - I’m a Kitchen Ninja and I have filled many stomachs with yummy goodness, plus my presentation is masterful! I also want to thank you for cooking enough so I can take home pans of food and not plates of food; your generosity feeds me for an entire 2 weeks after this special day!

7.      Thank you to pants with elastic in the waist (I think this is self-explanatory)! If you know me you know my eating habits are otherworldly! I am pretty sure there is another person living in my stomach and hosting a thanksgiving dinner all their own!

8.      Thank you to the turkey that sacrifices his life to end up in butterball wrapping and eventually basted in my mother’s oven! I will honor you by eating you in fellowship! To my vegetarian friends, I’m sorry but Turkeys are tasty!

I should also thank pie for being wonderfully delicious. I also really look forward to those Publix commercials where the salt and pepper figurines eat a meal out from under unsuspecting humans…way to creep people out Publix!  I have much more to be thankful for but I have things to do so I’m cutting this list short.  I will keep you all posted on how things go! Enjoy your Thursday!

Oh Sandy!

Hurricane Sandy tore through the north east last night bringing waves of water and snow in some places! It’s surreal to see the footage of cars floating down the streets of Manhattan or water covering buildings and houses! How easy one forgets that NY and other parts of the NE are on the coast, you don’t ever consider a hurricane in these places but yesterday proved it’s very real! I’m sad that people have died (including 67 people in the Caribbean), that over 7 million people are without power on this cold October day, that kids won’t have a real Halloween, and that destruction has ravished communities. To my family and friends in NJ, NY and the NE I love you and I hope you all stay safe!

I’m not going to make light of such a tragedy but I do want to point out some of my observations:

Expiration on Concern: While people were battling winds and down pour of rain most of the country was upset about the loss of TV shows. Twitter was in an uproar about DirecTv outages! You turn off Gossip Girl and the Voice and people lose their minds!!!! Hurricane Sandy was ripping NJ a new asshole and half of the country was up in arms about missing a few TV shows. Let me be clear, I am not judging because if this would have happened during Scandal or Once Upon a Time I would react the same (maybe). I will also point out that Ratchet Monday was not interrupted which is unfortunate because Basketball Wives is some programming we all could have done without for one week! Essentially, my observation boils down to…What is this world coming to when TV is more valuable than Super Storm Survival!

People Don’t Follow Evacuation Orders: Seriously people, when your government says get the hell on, you should listen. When they are talking about shutting down subways, trains, and airplanes why are you even thinking about riding this storm out! If those things can't move in the storm why do you think your car can? You are not a storm chaser; you should not stay to video tape the events and you certainly shouldn’t be wind surfing! Just get out!!! Have we learned nothing from Katrina?! Also, why was anybody outside during this event? If the winds and flood waters are powerful enough to knock over cranes and move cars do you think you can walk around and be safe? Tree vs person! Car vs person, Building vs person…person loses in all scenarios! If you aren’t going to evacuate at least prepare and stay inside!!! And how much does it suck to be the mayor of NJ and have to tell people who chose not to leave you are on your own, we aren’t coming to help you!

Reality TV Angers the Gods: Mother Nature was trying to rid the earth of the Jersey Shore. I have been to Jersey and it’s kind of dirty but tv misrepresents it significantly! Real House Wives, Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious all do it a disservice! Everybody isn’t tan with big hair, loud mouths, or bad attitudes! Jersey was hit pretty hard by this storm and one can only think that maybe reality TV has angered Mother Nature! Does anybody else feel disappointment that MTV will likely use this as a reason to give us a “reunion” season of the Jersey Shore or that Bravo probably has a housewives special in the works?  I can’t wait to see how TV decides to capitalize on this tragedy, further proving this world has gone to shit!

Hurricanes Don’t Discriminate: Sometimes it takes disasters for people to unite! Super storms take everybody out equally! They don’t see race, religion, or sexual orientation! They don’t see at all because they have one eye like a Cyclops (usually in the center of their body). So be kind to your fellow man because one day you may need them to shelter you, or remove debris from your arm, or call rescue services to your aid! Love each other and help each other, whether there is a storm or not.

Politics Finds a Way (especially during election years): Just when one is prepared to see non-stop storm coverage from every news outlet for the next 2-3 weeks, politics finds a way into the thick of things! How we were able to so quickly take a tragic event and turn it into how Mittens and Obama can respond to secure votes is insane. First of all, Mittens is not the president so the only thing he can do is knit and make statements! Second, the president is likely going to handle this better than his predecessor because he has common sense and can read! Anybody could have handled this better than Katrina because most people can learn from mistakes!  Third, no the North East will not be fully functional in time for the election but let’s focus on finding people, getting power restored, getting transportation operational and handling the business of recovery before we start worrying about votes.  My guess is somebody that has lost their house isn’t too concerned right now about voting! I’m so ready for this election to be over, so people can stop pretending to care about issues!

Why is it the Storms named after Women do the most Damage: The deadliest and most destructive hurricanes and storms of all time are often named after women! It makes one wonder about the naming convention; does somebody just go down a list of girlfriends when deciding to name a tropical storm? So of course I did some research. During the Second World War military meteorologists working in the Pacific began to use women's names for storms. In 1978, meteorologists began using men's names for half of the storms. Currently for each year, a list of 21 names, each starting with a different letter of the alphabet was developed and arranged in alphabetical order (names beginning with the letters Q, U, X, Y and Z were not used). The first tropical storm of the year was given the name beginning with the letter "A", the second with the letter "B" and so on through the alphabet. During even-numbered years, men's names were given to the odd-numbered storms and during odd-numbered years, women's names were given to odd-numbered storms.

Learn more including current list of names at: http://geology.com/hurricanes/hurricane-names.shtml

I have deduced from these facts that yes somebody just picks names, likely of girlfriends past! I also learned there is a separate naming convention for storms outside of the Atlantic. Meaning separate naming systems exist for for Eastern North Pacific storms, Central North Pacific Storms, Western North Pacific Storms, the Australian Region, Fiji Area, Papua New Guinea, Philippine Region, Northern and Southwest Indian Ocean. Seems complicated! I will just point out that women may be unpredictable but we aren’t all destructive (unless provoked)! I’m just glad I never dated a meteorologist; Tropical Storm LC would have gone down in history!!!