Turkey Day is Coming

Post Halloween means you ride the sugar high until you run out of candy and crash. Only the day after Halloween is it ok to eat Sweet tarts and sour patch kids for breakfast and twix and peanut butter cups for lunch. Don’t worry, I have veggies too and between my morning and evening sugar rush I will eat my leafy greens. 

Living in an apartment complex means I can avoid buying candy because trick-or-treaters don’t come my way!  So for now I will live off the candy overflow from those coworkers living in suburgatory! Thank you for your kind and fruitful donations! 
*Remember parents you must inspect candy, taste test if necessary, checking for razor blades and all that I we were told to fear!

Now that Halloween is officially over we can all look forward to that familial nightmare known as Thanksgiving! Decadent eating comes at a price! Aside from the weight gain and clear diversion from diet or exercise plans, one is often subjugated to intense interactions with dysfunctional family members across a 3-5 day period.  Oh its great in the beginning, like most things are! You are excited to see everyone, reminisce, and break bread! Everything is good until that one cousin shows up, or somebody wants to borrow $50, or a spades game is played…and that is when shit gets real! That is when you realize you are going to have to listen to the longest prayer known to man before you eat;  defend your football team from non-believers (I am surrounded by LSU fans); hide your slice of apple pie from greedy vultures; explain your relationship status on Facebook; commit to Christmas parties you don’t want to attend; buy wrapping paper from your little cousins; watch Tyler Perry Movies in horror; and figure out a way to not have to drive your grandma to Duluth after being voluntold by your mother!  

Sure it reminds me to be thankful but some of us don’t need a holiday to remind us we’re blessed! I’m thankful on a daily basis but what I’m not doing daily is hanging out with my crazy family. Nothing can truly prepare you for that! And alcohol doesn’t exactly make family situations better; you know!

Ah, Thanksgiving, the holiday that keeps on giving! A memorable holiday where you get all the juicy family gossip, are transported to the 1980s (or whatever years you were a kid) with the use of a nickname, learn traditions, and remind yourself that you can’t pick your family but they are yours forever!   As I start mentally preparing myself for what is sure to be an eventful gathering I’m going to point out that this year should prove to be fun because it’s my mother’s birthday! She has already informed me she doesn’t want a party or anything (which works out because we weren’t planning one). So in 4 weeks I will be exposed to the endless possibilities of Thanksgiving 2012! Save me…

In preparation, I wanted to share with you some of my Thanksgiving list of Thanks!

1.      Thank you Dad for keeping me lucid during these gatherings your ridiculous comments and underhanded remarks are worth staying awake! Plus you are a turkey carving master and that is worthy of praise! Oh and without you I wouldn’t be able to watch the game upstairs! Thanks!!!!

2.      Thank you government for giving me a day off of work to spend time with my family. Try saying that straight-faced…

3.      Thank you Mr. Real for not making me endure this holiday alone! I know you can’t eat the food but I appreciate your love and support! I would also appreciate you faking sick so we could leave early. You don’t have to commit now, think about it and get back to me!

4.      Thank you to both of my parents for having a home and letting use gather in it! I figured by now you would change the locks and deadbolt the windows but for some reason you keep letting us all back in! So brave, so fearless, I admire that!

5.      Thank you to my Grandmother (both of them) for being the matriarchs of my family and for calling each other when I’m around , it saves me daytime usage and for that I am grateful!  Both of you are sassy, intelligent women and spending time with you is an education in the fine arts of sarcasm! Grandma M Thanks for asking me to come pick you up, even though you live like 21.6miles from my house and another 21.4 miles out of the way!  Who needs gas when you have grandmas?

6.      Thank you to my mom for being the ultimate control freak and not letting me cook more than a pasta dish yet again!  I appreciate you denying my offer to cook a full Thanksgiving meal because you fear I can’t cook (even though you taught me how).  It’s cool, I really don’t mind just making pasta, it’s cheap and easy and requires no effort on my part! For the record - I’m a Kitchen Ninja and I have filled many stomachs with yummy goodness, plus my presentation is masterful! I also want to thank you for cooking enough so I can take home pans of food and not plates of food; your generosity feeds me for an entire 2 weeks after this special day!

7.      Thank you to pants with elastic in the waist (I think this is self-explanatory)! If you know me you know my eating habits are otherworldly! I am pretty sure there is another person living in my stomach and hosting a thanksgiving dinner all their own!

8.      Thank you to the turkey that sacrifices his life to end up in butterball wrapping and eventually basted in my mother’s oven! I will honor you by eating you in fellowship! To my vegetarian friends, I’m sorry but Turkeys are tasty!

I should also thank pie for being wonderfully delicious. I also really look forward to those Publix commercials where the salt and pepper figurines eat a meal out from under unsuspecting humans…way to creep people out Publix!  I have much more to be thankful for but I have things to do so I’m cutting this list short.  I will keep you all posted on how things go! Enjoy your Thursday!